If it wasn't this ...

Here we go again...

2011-10-05T12:57:00.000-07:00

So. I have had writers block. For a long time. One day I was in the middle of a post on the crazy state of my life, my depression, my family issues, and I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't write any more stories filled with death, disappointments and financial struggles, stories of drug addicts masquerading as friends and family members, and the enabling of adult children .. I was, (or I just am?) inherently sad. Now as I sit and try to make sense of the last few incredibly long and difficult years, I find myself wanting to write again, to get it out ...purge myself of all that sadness. I don't use the "H" word often ... but yes, I am feeling Hopeful. I WANT to agonize over the details of a new project, stop being such a hermit or recluse, stop being self indulgent and unfocused and try and put myself out there and share my stories of life. Because that is what matters isn't it ? People and their stories, sharing your lives and making sense of it all together ... ... right?

I don't write for other people, that's not to say that I don't want readers, but I have to put that part of writing out of my mind for the time being. When I started blogging years ago it was for fun and just for myself and at some point I think I started worrying about what I was writing and how it would be perceived by others. Was I correctly punctuating? Was my grammar up to par? Was I passing on my depression to poor unsuspecting readers stumbling upon my blog? Am I writing about interesting relevant subjects and thought provoking touching posts or was I just one of those whining self indulgent Mommy bloggers everyone loves to hate? Now I can really answer that with a resounding "I don't give a shit!"

I. just. need. to. write.

Some days it's just not going to be pretty and on occasion you will just have to put up with those "GOD the kids just brought home another stray cat to adopt, AND no one took out the garbage AGAIN!!" posts. Maybe, just maybe...I will be brave enough to write about my never ending, always changing dream of owning a book/junk/ coffee shop. Or how much I very want to change the lives of depressed teenagers, donate all my time and energy to suicide prevention and anti-bullying campaigns.

But I am going to write.

I am going to write blogs and short stories, I will write articles, I will write books. I will write about my life and my struggles, even about my adoption, and about my Mother's. Both of them, their lives and how my life has been shaped by two such completely different women. I will write about my depression and my health crisis, how traumatic events in your life just changes who you are, or who you thought you were... when you least expect it. How you wake up one day and realize how important living life in the moment, the way you want to live it, truly is.

As I struggle to find my voice, and an audience and maybe even a publisher? Ha ! I will share it all here, with you blogosphere ...the good, the bad, the ugly, even the boring ...and hastily, poorly written posts that are for no one in particular ...

We Remember ~ Project 2996

2011-09-09T18:27:00.000-07:00

Firefighter Lawrence Veling, a 15-year veteran of the FDNY, was the senior man on duty Sept. 11th at Engine Co. 235 in the Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn.

Larry Veling was one of six men on the truck when it left the fire station. Radio reports said the Brooklyn Bridge was clear, but Engine 235 turned onto the Manhattan Bridge when the driver realized that the span was all but void of traffic. They made excellent time getting to the towers.

As the first plane struck, Veling understood the enormity of the situation. So, as he waited for the inevitable call to the scene, he tried, in his calm, level way, to prepare the younger firefighters for the danger they would face.

"His leadership role shined through that day," said Lt. John Cullen of Engine 235.

Veling told the crew to stay together because it was the kind of horrible fire where firefighters get hurt, Cullen said.

Veling, 44, was one of six firefighters from Engine 235 to die that day, Mayor Giuliani said at the service at the Resurrection Church in Gerritsen Beach, Brooklyn.

The mayor looked at Veling's wife, Diane, and their three children, Ryan, 8, Cynthia, 6, and Kevin, 3, when he said "Lawrence was part of a very proud firehouse from Brooklyn that made a very great sacrifice."

Larry wasn't just a firefighter. He was a son, a brother, a husband, a best friend and a father.

When his son was two he discovered he had a talent for drawing Blues Clues characters . Larry would do the chalk drawings on the sidewalk in front of the house and even the neighbors would gather and admire his talent for capturing the likenesses of Blue and his friends. Larry co-owned Steve & Larry's a neighborhood delicatessen which was a very popular stop with all the locals.

In the spring following September 11th there was a dedication ceremony of the baseball field and it was named 'Larry Veling Memorial Field,' after one of FDNY bravest of Engine Co. 235. Larry, a father of three, was active in the Gerritsen Beach Little League as a player and coach. He also coached girls softball. There was a plaque placed in the memorial garden at the field in memory of several people from the community whose lives were lost along with Larry's in the Sept. 11 tragedy.

Bravest hearts of purest courage

In the fear and in the flames.

Noble heroes to be honoured

In our memories carve their names.

Who could run into such danger

When life's sweet and love is true?

Who could die to save a stranger?

Who could live as heroes do?

M. Vassallo

In Honor Of

2011-09-09T17:15:00.000-07:00

first posted in 2006 ...Dennis Devlin is remembered each and every year

Dennis Lawrence Devlin

1950-2001

As part of the September 11th tribute,

Project 2996

started by D. Challener Roe,

I am honored to do my tribute on the

New York City Fire Department's

Battalion Commander,

Dennis L. Devlin

Not only was Mr. Devlin a Commander and a firefighter,

he was a husband, a father,a runner, an avid photographer,

a fantastic friend and a 21st century hero.

Dennis was married for 29 years to his wife Kathleen.

Together they had 4 children, Casey, Katie,

Kerry, and Dennis Jr.

It sounds like I knew Dennis and I feel in a way I do.

I spent hours pouring over archives and blogs, to find

that he was loved by many and missed by all that knew him.

At 51 it looked to me he was having the time

of his life with his family and friends.

Many posts were dedicated to the fun-loving

man who laughed easily and always had a story to tell.

One friend recalled learning to drive in his

VW bug back in high school,

another reminiscing about their trip to Ireland.

Neighbors fondly remembered times

around the pool and still others wrote tributes to

the fantastic job he did as one of New York's finest.

I hope that Mr Devlin's family know that they

are all in my prayers, as are all the people touched

by the tragic events of September 11th.

"That man is a success who has lived well, laughed often and loved much; who has gained the respect of intelligent men and the love of children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who leaves the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem or a rescued soul; who never lacked appreciation of earth's beauty or failed to express it; who looked for the best in others and gave the best he had."

Robert Louis Stevenson

I will always remember...

Bravest hearts of purest courage

In the fear and in the flames.

Noble heroes to be honoured

In our memories carve their names.

Who could run into such danger

When life's sweet and love is true?

Who could die to save a stranger?

Who could live as heroes do?

M. Vassallo

Dear President Obama ...

2010-10-13T12:34:00.000-07:00

I am about to give you my son. My child, my heart.

Since he was little he has dreamed of being a soldier, serving and protecting his country... a dream that has only grown stronger the last few years. I have tried so hard to lead him down different paths... any different path, but he has persisted and chosen his own way.

I am writing you this letter so you can get to know him like we do, so you will treasure him and think about his safety and not put him in harms way needlessly... so you can see him through his families eyes ..... a mother's eyes.

He was born quietly in to our world, and completely changed our lives from the minute he was born. He united us and made us a family, he gave us purpose and direction. Even as a small child he was gentle and forgiving, fun loving, easy to smile.. a protective big brother, an intuitive and sometimes even precocious little boy.

Now as I look at the man he has become, I can still see glimpses of my little boy. He is a wonderful Father, plays basketball with a passion, goes after what he wants and never gives up... he still leaves his socks on the floor and can never remember where he put his keys. He can be incredibly strong willed yet he is thoughtful, he has a tendency to be selfless, he has a strong sense of what is right and wrong ....and maybe the most important quality, he has integrity.

Over the years I have watched and sympathized with the Mothers & Fathers who had sent their sons off to fight wars I didn't fully understand . I could almost feel their pain, the constant worry and their tears. I imagined their sleepless nights filled with overwhelming fear and long days awaiting words hastily written from sons and daughters far away.

I can only imagine that they felt the same amount of incredible pride as I do... as I get ready to let go of the man ... that was once just my little boy.

Michael's Mom

Things My Mother Taught Me

2010-05-08T12:08:00.000-07:00

The list is a very long one, but some of the things I learned, I didn't even realize I was learning and some of them I just never learned to perfect, like keeping my mouth shut and my opinion to myself. THAT was a hard one I am still working on.

My mother taught me to be generous. Generous with your time, your attention, your possessions, your money. Even if you were a stranger and you admired something she had, she would want you to have it. If she loved you and you needed anything, she was there to help. She hated to watch her children struggle, even if struggling was supposed to build character. Some have called it enabling, Mom called it love.

She taught me things like, how to handle yourself with dignity, how to hold your head high and ignore those that talk about you and think they know you. How to believe in yourself and know your worth, accept yourself and not to crave it from others.

She taught me how to not be judgmental, to ignore others faults and try not to judge them too harshly. You may never know what someone else has been through, what their life has been like, what burdens they carry, what ghosts they live with.

Be kind. Take the time for kindness .... it doesn't cost you a thing.

Work hard. Any thing worth having is worth working really hard for. Keep on going even if you are exhausted and the road is long and hard. This tiny little Portuguese woman worked harder than a lot of men I know. She worked circles around us all. I've added this to the list of things I could just never quite live up to.

How to appreciate the little things. Being still, the quietness, the sun shining on the water, cherries blooming on the tree, tiny white shells on the beach, coffee in the morning. I know these are the things I miss the most, those ten minutes sitting in the garden sharing a cigarette and catching up, sitting by the pool and laughing at the kids, commiserating about the things men just don't get and never will, her contagious laugh, her unexpected potty mouth.

She taught me to love, and she taught me to forgive...both unconditionally. To love and not to expect it back, To love and keep loving even if it hurts. Forgive and don't dwell on things, let them go.

I'm still working on them Mom, I miss you xoxox

He would be 18

2010-03-17T09:01:00.000-07:00

Closed away in that part of my heart... the part that I have hidden like a secret gate deep in the garden.

The part I try not to listen to as it whispers it's pain...

18! That number and all it implies...

The innocence and the false bravado

Life and all its promises stretched out on that winding path ahead...

Would he have lept tall buildings?

Would he have had a gentle spirit?

Would he have been born with passion?

Would he have had wanderlust?

Who else would his heart have touched, leaving its imprint etched forever

Who would it have clung to and ached for ... as mine aches for his and all that could have been.

In the morning

2010-01-07T12:30:00.000-08:00

In the morning...
The greatness of the mind and
The goodness of the heart are
Inseparable.

~Sri Chinmoy~

The Motto for 2010 ~ Peace Love & Cupcakes

2010-01-01T15:50:00.000-08:00

A beautiful start to the first day of 2010

A couple visitors in the afternoon

A rainy evening at home

Finish it all off with cupcakes!

Aloha, Adios, Arrivederci, Sayonara, BUH-BYE 2009

2009-12-31T08:50:00.000-08:00

Yep I wandered off again.

I would say "Hey everybody don't take me off your blogrolls just yet." "I will get better at posting...I promiseeee!" But if you know me at all, you know thats a lie, I am an INCONSISTENT BLOGGER!
Nooooo Mister Charnas, that is nothing like an incontinent bladder, I swear!
I get all wrapped up in life and to be honest ... It's messy and unorganized and just plain hard right now.

It's the end of the year, time to reflect on the previous year, good old 2009, and look forward to the next. Looking back I don't have many good things to say about 2009. I was fired from a job I thought was my life, and worse than that, it was because of my own ignorance and people I thought were my friends. I found myself suddenly sick and was deathly ill and in the hospital for a couple weeks, and unable to pay for my health care I lost along with my job. I lost my Mother in May, and in the process distanced myself from most of her side of the family. Let me tell you, losing a parent is really hard, and then having your relatives turn on you in judgment and shun you (and no we aren't even Amish! ) is really painful. Having to confront the truth about my son and his drug addiction and the depths and lengths a drug addict will go to get what they want. Then the realization that even without drugs they aren't the innocent child you loved and raised, they've been replaced by a shallow, needy, manipulative version of themselves. Heartbreaking.

But in the plus column I recovered from most of it, or I should say recovering, and I am hoping I am a better person for all of it.

Bring on 2010! I should start making my New Years resolutions...

First I'm going to have to get healthy. No more of this eating chocolate by the pound stuff ! Butter, we are not friends, I was lured in by your sweetness and your ability to go with everything and you repaid me by sticking around right on my butt... thanks a lot ! It's 2010 now ... be gone!

Second and this is as important as the first, No more damn enabling. I am a recent convert and now and forever going to be a fan of Tough Love. If you are an adult child who is almost 30, don't look at me as a meal ticket and a way for you to shirk your responsibilities. Same for you cling-on's, move along, there is nothing for you here, I SEE you scurrying around like a roach in the dark...no I mean I reallyyyyy SEE you and I've called an exterminator!

Lastly... is that a word even? Lastly ...I am moving along in to a better 2010. I am going to embrace new experiences and new people. I am going to change my direction to match my heart. Does that make sense to you? For years I have just worked because that is what you are supposed to do, make money, support your family, raise your kids and buy them things. But I felt empty, I wasn't really doing anything important. Sure I helped thousands pay their cable bill and program their remotes, for a few years I had those garbage trucks all lined up and on time, and I even published an ad or two I was proud of in some of the worlds leading fishing magazines, but lets face it, I wasn't changing the world and making a difference.

You know how they say "You can't run from your problems." Well its true. And evidently you can't move away from them either. Because moving here to the Olympic Peninsula didn't miraculously fix my heart. Sure it's beautiful at the beach, but if you are so depressed you can't get dressed the beach isn't going to help you.

So I started playing a game, an immersive virtual reality game named SecondLife. At first it was just a way to escape every day life, hide from the realities of my day to day difficulties and just play around, meet people and have fun. Over time it has turned in to a project that is very dear to me, one that I have been involved with from time to time before... depression and suicide prevention. Realizing you are not alone with your depression and being able to talk about it with others who suffer from the same types of feelings can be invaluable. I found like-minded people who have inspired me to reach out and share my stories and I have listened to theirs, and in the process I have started a not-for-profit support group in SecondLife and a website called PS~WeLoveYou . We hope to open a youth center here on the Olympic Peninsula this year and provide much needed support, inspiration, direction to some of the truly helpful information provided by groups such as TWLOHA, The Trevor Project, On our Minds, and Half of Us. All of these people and organizations are very dedicated to loving, supporting and sharing stories with young people who are suffering from depression, are confused, overwhelmed or are feeling hopeless.

Yep it has been an overwhelming and busy 2009, I don't hate to see you go ... although I do feel rather melancholy about you.

I am holding on to the promise of the future, with a hopeful heart

PS... follow me on Twitter and add me to Facebook ! The new website is www.ps-weloveyou.com and it is undergoing a makeover. I am getting better at this I swear !

Im A Superior Scribbler

2009-09-21T09:45:00.000-07:00

My friend Charlie of Professor B. Worm fame, bestowed the Scribbler Award on me a few weeks back, right about the time these arrived...

More about these overwhelmingly adorable hands full next ... I promise!

I am honored by the things Charlie has said about me....

"Occasionally I find a blog or a piece of writing that blows me away and I feel compelled to point it out to my blog friends. In this case, the blog is If it wasn’t this . . ., and the blogger goes by the same name (except for the ellipses).

"Ditzymoi" is one of her other handles, but the piece that got to me, No more waiting, is anything but ditzy. I’ve known this woman for a long time through several blog incarnations, but in my opinion, this is by far the finest and most poignant piece she has ever written."

I have always felt I have a few good books in me if only I knew how to write! So this award really meant a lot to me....

Thanks Charlie xoxoxo

Each winner is to pass on this award to 5 other bloggers of whom you think deserves the honor of being a Super Scribbler, and here are the rules.

1. Each Superior Scribbler (SS) must pass the award on to 5 most-deserving bloggy buds.

2. Each SS must link to the author and name of blog from whom he/she has received the award
3. Each SS must display the award on his/her blog and link to this post which fully explains the award.
4. Each blogger who wins must visit this post and add their name to the Mr. Linky list at the Scholastic-Scribe's blog so we can keep track of all who wins this prestigious award!
5. Each SS must post these rules on their blog.

And my choices for winners are...

Did You Ever Get the Feeling My smarter-than-me bookworm friend Jen

Stop Screaming I'm Driving A favorite from wayyy back when she was "Third Times A Charm"

Kevin Charnas My HILARIOUSLY funny friend who makes me laugh PRE coffee

Chicky Chicky Baby A VERY funny Chick that has a way with words

It's All Fun & Games Kristin who has a gift for telling it like it is

Click on the links and go visit some of the people who write like I want to ! Thanks again Charlie!

We Can't Afford to Wait

2009-09-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

Six months ago I lost my job and with it my health insurance. A week later I was sick enough to be hospitalized and almost died with a UTI and kidney failure. I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes and now am on insulin and can't afford my medication.

Call your congressman 202-224-3121 and tell them WE NEED A PUBLIC OPTION NOW!

Early Mornings

2009-09-07T06:17:00.000-07:00

I love the smell of lavender after it's rained.

The sweet smell drifts through the open window in the office and mingles with my fresh cup of coffee.

The clouds are hanging low like wet lace below the peaks of the Olympic mountains, and a fine mist is drifting and settling around the garden as the sky lightens to a silvery grey.

This is my favorite time of morning. The kind where I have been lucky enough to wake up to a still sleeping house. Actually, luck has nothing to do with it, I have had insomnia most of my parenting years.

5:00 a.m. rolls around on the clock and I am drawn to the peace and tranquility of my messy office nook off the kitchen and the chance to be alone with no demands.

Mornings like these make me reflective and thoughtful.

Memories spill over each other... one after the other, some pushed away, others lingering.

So many things change in such a short period of time... each event a life lesson, an opportunity for change. Even if you resist like I do.... protest and cling to the known ... the changes sweep through.

Before long the house will come to life, the husband will wander out in search of caffeine. Teenagers will scour the cupboards for cereal. Alarms will go off and the older boys will race off to work, still dressing as they run out the door.... the twins will cry for their morning bottles.

But for now, there is stillness and quiet... ghosts fading as the sun rises. Sipping hazelnut coffee and enjoying the soft morning breeze.

We Will Remember - Project 2996

2009-08-26T09:30:00.000-07:00

I think when I started my first blog, the first post was whining about my ex husband. Nothing note worthy or exceptional, or even remotely interesting.

It didn't take me long however to discover there were thousands of wonderful people out there that really made a difference blogging about relevant issues and making themselves heard. When I heard about a tribute to the victims of September 11th, I felt compelled to be a part of it.

Project 2,996 is a tribute to the victims of 9/11, started by D. Challener Roe.

On September 11, 2006, more than 3,000 bloggers joined together to remember the victims of 9/11.
Each year bloggers have honored them by remembering their lives, and not by remembering their murderers.

If you would like to help out, by pledging to post a tribute on your own blog on 9/11 of this year, please click this link to Project 2996 and sign up to honor one of the victims.

Sadly this year only 687 of the 2996 names have been assigned to bloggers for their tributes to be written.

Can you please help?

Smarter than the average bear

2009-08-12T20:55:00.000-07:00

So today I managed to import all the stuff I've written over the last 3 years from a wordpress database to blogger.

Yay me! Maybe I HAVE paid attention to what the wonderfully geeky husband has been trying to teach me the past few years.

I was going to just toss all the past archives, and I stopped myself and opened the database and started reading them and I realized that they were FANTASTIC! No really, I realized that they were my feelings, and there they were for the whole world to see, all that pain, all the little struggles, all the agony, all the laughs and funny times. I couldn't just throw them all away. They were all little stories I agonized over and struggled to get out there, so now they are safe in the archives of blogspot.

It's hard to believe that I've been spilling over and telling you all my thoughts and secrets for three years. Living through it all ... it seems like it's been more like 10 years.

I don't know about ya'll but I am about tired of summer and am looking forward to the beginning of the school year. Yayyy for schedules and bedtimes and organization and an empty house during the day! Oh and a special YAYYY for kindergarden! My last child, my baby, my BT is starting school in 22 days! 22 DAYS .... you have no idea what this means to me.

I can almost taste the freedom.

Now I'm off to go eat Chinese and watch Americas Got Talent.

It just doesn't get any better than that.

No more waiting

2009-08-03T15:32:00.000-07:00

He waited for eight years.

Eight years tucked away on the shelf amidst fragile Christmas ornaments, photo albums and baby memorabilia.

Waiting.

Sometimes when I allow my thoughts to linger there on the shelf, I imagine him impatiently cracking his knuckles and grumbling to himself.

He missed her so. He longed to be with her again.

For eight years she went through the motions of every day life. Always missing him but bravely carrying on, taking care of people she felt needed her. It is just what you did. You made the best of things and you went on. No sense in dwelling on things you couldn't change. And it wasn't time for her to go yet..... not yet.

On this particular Saturday morning, she rose a little bit later than usual. After all ... she wasn't in too much of a hurry and time had slowed her down a bit. She put on the coffee and indulged herself with a morning cigarette while she waited. Her mind drifted to him as it did often, memories of warm tropical island mornings, laughing and whispering about the previous night .... dancing and stealing kisses at the luau, faded in to memories of a bitter cold Alaska morning, hurrying across the tiled kitchen floor in her bare feet, rushing the coffee making process so she could jump back in bed, warming her cold toes on his toasty still-in-bed legs.

Reluctantly dragging her thoughts back to the day ahead, she poured herself a cup of coffee and carried it to her room to dress. She hadn't been feeling well the past week, and had not been able to make it to work on the floor of Costco. Knowing it was a busy day for her 'food sample' co-workers, she was intent on making her shift, pulling her weight. This work ethic was ingrained in her as a child picking cherries and practiced all of her 83 years.

She drove the short distance and parked in her usual spot. A little tired and out of breath she drug out her utensils and began setting up her station. Her hands ached, her swollen gnarled fingers still stiff as always in the morning, but she moved with purpose, ignoring the shortness of breath and the nagging heaviness in her chest.

The blackness slipped over her quickly. One moment she was greeting Tim, one of her regulars of whom she was extremely fond, the next she was in his arms, disoriented and weak, struggling to find her balance and be put back on her feet.

Still ....he waited - Did he know it was almost time? Could he feel her moving a step closer?

As the ambulance sped along she drifted in and out of the mist in her mind. Rushing past the trees that were just turning green, full of spring .... a warm breeze brought her back to the islands, remembering their days in the sun, the white sandy beaches, the way his hair fell in his eyes, the quiet intense way that he loved her.

Family gathered as she spent time with her doctor, learning the details of what she had been quietly ignoring. She asked her sister and her niece to keep her secret. Just for a day or two, just a little time. She doesn't want to worry us needlessly.

Standing and watching over her, the nurses hurried about her with their IV's and vials of blood. All the while she fussed with her hair, brushing down a stray curl with her hand, arranging her blankets and smoothing out the creases seemed as important as the reasons that brought her there.

We took turns reassuring her, reassuring ourselves, that she would be fine. She would need a little rest, some more fluids, she really should take better care of herself, she was dehydrated is all. It would all be better in the morning after some much needed rest. Isn't it time you cut back your hours at work Mom? I mean after all you are over 80 you know? Have a little to eat, just a little bit, that should help you feel better. One by one we drifted out, making excuses to go so she could get a little sleep.

I held her fingers in mine. I held them gently, lightly tracing the veins in the back of her hand. These were the hands that picked me up when I fell, held me when I needed help, carried me when I couldn't carry myself, taught me so much... loved me even more. Glancing up I saw the fear in her eyes and I knew that it was mirrored in my own. Quickly her fear was replaced with concern ... as always, trying to protect us, pushing us away....
"Go ...things will be fine, I'll see you in the morning."

Anxious to be with him, she closed her eyes and let her thoughts drift back over their life together, their continuous laughter and their fairy tale like happiness, the times they struggled seemed seldom, raising their adopted children, traveling the world and seeing it through their eyes ... drifting through their shared dreams, she slept... he was there waiting for her.

May 31st 2009, Ray & Marcie's souls reunited.

On August 2nd 2009, Ray & Marice were reunited as ashes.

Among many tears they danced together in the waves with the flower petals.

2009-07-25T10:26:00.001-07:00

Ok im over here now

beautiful boy

2008-06-27T09:26:00.000-07:00

I was given a book by my close friend and cousin Jamie. She said read this, you really need to read this.

When I looked at the book, the title didn't jump out at me, but I accepted it and thanked her. Beautiful Boy by David Sheff, A father's journey through his son's addiction.

Since I have started reading this book, I have cried so many tears. I have cried for myself, my son, and all the parents out there that have gone through this with their children. I cry for children everywhere who live in fear of meth addicted parents, I cry for the girlfriends the boyfriends and the loved ones of the people addicted to meth, I have simply sat and cried because of the sheer overwhelmingness of it all.

Somehow David Sheff puts in to words, how I feel, how I felt, how I cope, perfectly describing the balancing act you do as the parent of a drug addict, waiting for the next installment of pain and disappointment, all the while still clinging foolishly to the next sliver of hope.

Until I picked up this book and read the first page, I felt like I was alone. Even though I had a supportive husband and friends, I still felt isolated and alone. No matter the amount of times people told me, "It was not your fault, there is nothing you could have done differently", I still blamed myself endlessly, always coming up with a new scenario on how I had failed him.

Who knew that your heart could be broken so many times and still keep beating?

The passage that haunts me and keeps me from being bitter starts on page 229. David writes .... I know that being sober is more difficult for Nic than I can comprehend. I feel sympathy and pride for his hard work. When I get angry about the past- the lies, the break-ins, the betrayals- I restrain myself from saying anything or even reacting. It does no good. I think it was in New York that Nic and I saw The Royal Tenenbaums together. Nico - her voice pained - sings Jackson Browne's "These Days." I hear her sing the haunting lyric: "Don't confront me with my failures. I have not forgotten them." I have to remind myself that if Nic's relapses horrify me, it's worse for him. I suffer Vicki suffers, Karen suffers, Jasper and Daisy suffer, my parents suffer, Karen's suffer, others who love Nic suffer, but he suffers more.

"Don't confront me with my failures. I have not forgotten them."

Moving on...

2008-06-03T10:40:00.000-07:00

This is the last installment of a very long story and something I think I just needed to get out so I could get past it. Scroll down the page for parts one and two if you are reading this and you don't know what the hell I'm talking about :)

Ok so, my family reads my blog. Go figure.

Actually I am really glad because I love my cousin and we had one of those heart to heart to talks that you really need when one of you thinks the other one is being a bitch. Ha Ha!

It's funny how two people can go through something together and walk away with two completely different perspectives.

Oh, and I was mad and had my feelings hurt, so we quit talking. That didn't help! What we discovered when we started talking again (thanks to my blog!) was that she thought that she was helping my Mom and thats what was important to her. The last thing she wanted for me was to struggle helping people that wouldn't help themselves. What she thought of as just plain taking advantage and being too lazy to work and take care of yourselves was so much deeper. She had no idea the depth of the drug issues or dependency problems that they all had to overcome. I stopped writing about it and then I stopped talking about it. It was a fragile limb that was extended well after I had moved and I was relieved when each one took the steps to change their lives.

And when "J" and I started talking, we didn't stop. And I was glad. I really love her and I missed talking to her about life and all the other stupid little things that happen in a day. We also discovered that a lot of the gossip was really our own mothers! Imagine that!

So we are moving on... We realized we have important things to do and it doesn't matter if people don't "get" us or think we are making the wrong choices. They are ours to make. The older we get the more we realize the roles we were expected to play within our own families were roles we didn't have to accept. It is possible to change the way you react and it is possible to stop reacting the way people expect you to.

For the last year I have thrown myself in to my new job and helping Dick start up our computer business here. Getting the kids settled in our new little corner of the world and watching them make friends has been a lot of fun. Moving in to a small community is interesting and really quite different from what we have been used to for the last 20 years in California. Every day I wake up here I am thankful that somehow we managed to pull this off!

One of the things I am most thankful for is that my mom doesn't have a computer :)

Part Two

2008-05-20T13:38:00.000-07:00

For those of you just joining me, you should read the post below this one just to catch up so this all makes sense, or at least ties together.

So now you have the background for my little family drama...

It was a week before Christmas and my Mother was waiting for her apartment to be ready and was spending the holiday with my cousin in Washington. She was being pampered and spending a cozy Christmas and relaxing for the first time in years. Did I mention that Mom is in her 80's and up to the day that she drove off in her moving truck she had been working and managing an apartment complex? Yes I know ... she is simply amazing.

To be honest I can't remember when my cousin's and my relationship took the turn it has. I don't think it is anything more than lifestyle and growing apart. She had one child and I had four. She stayed married and I divorced. Still I can't even say that the vibe i was feeling or the attitude had anything to do with either of those.

Maybe it was me that changed. I was changing the way I looked at drug abuse. I felt different about the struggle we were going through as a family. We had lost my Father 5 years before and it felt like we were just falling apart. I had dreamed of running away and leaving them and all of their problems behind. I was the one that had started this big push to move away and get my Mom to deal with the ugly facts of drug addiction. In the beginning I was so angry with them that I imagined moving away with my Mother and not looking back.

I called "J" and we had a very terse conversation. She was angry and upset with what she felt was borderline elder abuse by my eldest son and my brother. She said harsh things about the people I loved and felt a responsibility to. She implied that her and her husband had worked hard for this chance to relocate and retire and that while she was happy to include my Mom in her life, that me and my husband should maybe just stay in California if we didn't share her views. We shouted at each other, I tried to defend my choices with conviction and failed.

I slammed down the phone. I was numb... all I could feel was her superiority.

We struggled through Christmas, financially and emotionally it was completely draining. Although there were a couple of conversations with J, they were mostly about my Mother and laced with warnings of how bad the job market was and how difficult it would be to move with the cost of living. We fought to keep our Grandson from knowing that his father was sinking in to a world of drugs that we couldn't save him from. We made hard decisions. We kicked our oldest son out of the house and also turned him in to the police.

We went ahead with our plans to move to Washington. In the end we decided that since my Grandson had lost his mother to drugs and depression, the best thing for him was to live with his Aunt & Uncle who had gone through so much to try and save his Mother. It was heart wrenching to think of him growing up watching his Father go down the same path. His Aunt & Uncle had no children of their own and were anxious to take a bigger role in his life.

Even though I felt despair at the decision we were making to go ahead with the move, I wasn't entirely sure it wouldn't be the best thing for the three drug addicts to hit the bottom alone. When we pulled out of town at the end of February we left my brother and his girlfriend at a motel with all their belongings. Between them they had a part time job and enough money for only two nights off the street.

The guilt was overwhelming as we made our way out of town.

Ok I'm sorry but this is going to have to be in 3 parts ....

One I owed you

2008-05-11T08:40:00.000-07:00

Actually this will be part one of TWO posts! I know I know ... Shocking!

I haven’t posted here in a couple of months and I am extremely sorry if I worried anyone ... it was not my intention to disappear honestly.

There have been a ton of things going on, I just haven’t been able to find the will to sit down and share them. One of the hard parts about blogging for me was always the whine factor.

If all I am going to do is whine …then screw it, I’m done.

I enjoy reading all of your blogs and love getting all of your comments, but when it came to my writing it began to feel like a chore, and believe me the last thing I need more of is chores or commitments! HA! Honestly I just am so critical of my own writing and I get all frozen and overwhelmed by the sheer amount of what I have to say, that I just don't say/write anything. I know it sounds a bit crazy, but there you go... thats me. I still keep up with all ya'll (and always will) my gang, my posse, my peeps ... my friends :)

For a welcome back I decided to write about something that is really bothering me … something that has gotten under my skin and totally pissed me off. And boy is it a long one … sorry about that!

Gossiping Relatives.

I know we all have them. Most of it is harmless family gossip that gets whispered down a phone line while sipping coffee or talked about around the family dinner table. The kind I’m talking about here is the malicious, hateful, judgmental gossip, of a relative that truly thinks they are superior.

I have shared a lot with you over the last couple years. When I was all but spilling over with grief or happiness I shared it here with you.

One of the biggest and also the hardest things to share was my oldest sons decent in to drugs. As a family this can be one of the longest and roughest roads you will travel together.

I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

A little over two years ago when I discovered that not only was my oldest son an addict, but that my brother and his girlfriend were also drug addicts… I was completely blind sided.

I went through the stages that I imagine any mother and sister who had been in complete denial would go though. Disbelief. Anger. Disappointment. Disgust. The ups and downs were extreme, the road ahead of us unbelievably long.

Month after month I struggled with lies, emotional scenes and arguments, bargains, pleas, denial after denial and never knowing what the right thing to do was.

First and foremost I was determined to break the cycle that my mother had unwittingly become a part of since my father had died 5 years before.

Don’t get me wrong, Mom had been enabling and spoiling her children and grandchildren for many years, but after my Dad died it was on a completely different scale.

Mom & Dad didn’t see it as enabling. It was all done in the name of Love.

All the loans, all the assistance, the advice, the repeated hand outs when something went wrong, all of it, was because they wanted to help us have a better life. They didn’t want to see us struggle. And I say us because I also benefited from their generosity. Repeatedly. I was always grateful and forever ashamed of accepting their help.

After my Dad died my Mom was unknowingly supporting their drug addictions by allowing them to live rent free, borrow money without paying it back and bailing the three of them out of financial trouble repeatedly. It was a small loan here and some groceries there, paying an electric payment here, buying a cartoon of cigarettes there. What was the harm in letting them use your car to ~~buy drugs~~ look for a job?

Bringing the issues to light was just the beginning.

As in everyone’s life (or maybe its just mine?) There is one thing after the other … not only were we coming to terms with being enablers and having to confront these issues with the Queen of enablers my 80 year old Mother, but we also had a good friend whose 18 year old son was murdered while away at college, and my grandson’s mother committed suicide, leaving her 4 children bereft.

Although I am a pretty strong person and I don’t go looking for sympathy, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I often turned to my childhood friend who just happens to be my cousin, for support.

Our relationship had always been more like sisters than cousins. While growing up she was always held up as an example of how I should study or of how I should behave or try to act more like. We couldn't have been more different if we tried. I was the tall brunette, she the short blonde. I was the rebellious trouble maker, she was the well mannered responsible one. She was always the one that made better choices and smarter decisions, even if they turned out to be the wrong choices, she always managed to weather them with determination and style. Needless to say this carried on in her adult life and she is now in a position of comfort financially, with a recently retired and doting husband, while I have remarried again, still cant hold on to a dime and am struggling to raise 5 kids.

No I am not bitter. It is what it is. Choices.

Many nights on the phone I would cry my heart out and describe to her how bad our deception truly was. I described the depths of their addictions, the vicious cycle that everyone was living.

I begged for help. I begged her to help me pull my Mom away and break the enabling circle. My cousin was always very close with my Mom and she helped a tremendous amount by taking her on trips to visit Moms sister in Washington. It also helped that they were looking at buying some property near by ....and so the push to relocate started. Moving is never an easy thing to do, it took months of planning and plotting to get my mother to even think of moving to another state.

I admit in the beginning I wanted to run away and never look back. Somewhere along the way I started looking at the big picture and long term possibilities. I saw it as an opportunity for our whole family to get a fresh start in a beautiful small town and close knit community. It was a far cry from the city we were living in. I blamed a lot of what was happening within my family on the constant enabling, and the drugs of course but also the culture and mind set of the town we were all living in. Robbery, murder, over doses and gang bangers were the norm, despair and depression were a part of their every day life. I could see how it was going to swallow us all up.

We can debate society and all its issues later. I promise.

I wanted our family to stand on their own and be strong and independent. I wanted them to be the people I knew they were capable of being. I believed that with a fresh outlook on life and new start they would have something to work towards. If I could just get them all sober!

What I thought started out as the both of us wanting something different for my Mom’s golden years, ended up being a rescue mission in my cousins mind. Saving Mom from her immediate family who she saw as dysfunctional and draining, became her mission.

It became obvious that she was disgusted with all that she had learned. I was ashamed to have been so blind, ashamed we weren't more disciplined, more successful... more everything.

As she and her husband moved she helped Mom prepare to move also. Financially I couldn't afford to make the trip to Washington and help settle her in. It was the beginning of the Christmas season and my focus was on unburdening my Mother and making the transition easier for her. I moved my brother and his girlfriend out of my Mothers and in with me. I held an intervention and threatened talked my oldest son in to rehab. I was all about the tough love. I was going to save them from themselves if it was the last thing I did.

Mom was bewildered and overwhelmed with the emotions of not only leaving the last place she had lived with my father, but just the move itself. As she looked forward to starting a new chapter in her life...

I stayed behind and dealt with the enormous amount of emotional upheaval left behind.

To be continued :)

Hi again :)

2008-02-27T08:02:00.000-08:00

It has been a long few weeks.

I know I know... I left you all staring at poor Heath for a month! I have nothing great to discuss with you, no new tragedies, no surprises, no compelling stories ... oh wait there is a couple things!

My mornings have been starting out like this...

"Mommy are you going potty now?"

"Mommy has a BIGGG butt and BT is little tiny."

The better to squish you with my angel :)

My daughter made the basketball team at her middle school. This was the first time she has ever had to try out and memorize team plays and it is a LOT different than playing basketball with her brothers in the alley! I was so incredibly proud watching her go after something she really wanted. Not one time did she give up or falter when they pushed those girls harder and harder each day in the gym. She might have come home aching and sore all over but the thought of giving up never crossed her mind.

The weather has been beautiful, all the snow is gone and we are at a balmy 42 today ...woohooo!

I leave you with this beautiful picture of my new grandson to be .... look at those feet!

I'm sad ...

2008-01-23T00:15:00.000-08:00

One of mine and my kids favorite movies of all time is A Knight's Tale with Heath Ledger.

I can't tell you how many times we have all sat around and watched this movie together. Anytime you ask the kids, "What would you like to watch?" Out comes the worn VCR tape of A Knight's Tale.

I was broken hearted to hear that Heath died yesterday in New York. He was on the very top of my list of Secret Boyfriends
( I share unrequited love with many of my friend Mrs.G's secret boyfriends ) To me Heath was one of the hunkiest, I mean just look at this picture of him in the movie. Is that gorgeous or what?

I will miss you Heath, but I will be watching you forever on rainy Saturday afternoons with my kids. I think I might even go spring for the DVD with extended scenes edition. I encourage all of you to watch Heath in ~~tights~~ one of his best movies.

Peace out.

my bad

2008-01-06T00:29:00.000-08:00

I ran off and left you. Not even a backwards glance....

The holidays hit before I knew it! I swear every damn year that I will start shopping by Halloween and I never do. I pretend the holidays aren't coming until the last possible moment.

I'm one of those people that even puts off shopping online. I have an aversion to spending money period. So anyway, I finally just gave in to the spirit of the season and downloaded horrible Christmas music, decked the ~~husband~~ halls and went with it!

My niece and nephew from California have been here for a couple of weeks, and all my kids have been on vacation...my mother came and stayed for a few days on Christmas and New Years eve weekends... so just for those of you who are trying to count the number of people here ...its up to 11 now. Yes e l e v e n.

We girls baked cookies and pies and lots of ~~fattening~~ healthy goodies. We shopped, we picked out Christmas trees, the adults drank a ~~lot~~ little too much, and then we shopped some more.

Just to prove we aren't "Califruits" as my new friends/co-workers here in the Pacific Northwest lovingly call us, we even trekked in to the woods and cut our own firewood. Ok ok ...so I drove the truck and watched the guys do all the work...it's easier on all of us that way ...believe me.

Fortunately for my liver, the holidays are over.

Today I am driving to Portland to drop my niece and nephew off at the airport. It seemed like a good idea at the time we bought the tickets, to save $100 each and fly them in and out of there instead of Seattle. It was only an extra hour drive supposedly, but this morning it feels like a really crappy idea, seeing as the round trip with stops should be about 10 hours.

I did try to keep up with all of you, even though I was off making merry, your holidays looked wonderful and I enjoyed all of your posts immensely.

Here is to a fantastic, bright, exciting, safe, happy and well documented 2008!

eaves dropping

2007-12-13T10:13:00.000-08:00

Setting the Scene:

The kitchen pantry is stocked once again with approximately $345 worth of groceries. I would like to believe this will last for a week. Yeah I'm an optimist. Taking in to consideration the 10 people who live here and their individual tastes and nutritional requirements, doing the shopping around here is no easy feat. The pantry now holds 5 large boxes of cereal dripping with sugary goodness to entice the teenagers up for a midnight snack.

The Cast:

The much discussed couple of the moment... the pregnant teenagers.

Him: OooOOooo yummy... cereal!

Her: Yessss! I love Captain Crunch!

Him: Ohhh way cool! Look! They have Shrek tattoo's inside the box!

Her: No way! I get it! I get it!

Both of them, in unison, as they dig thru the box of cereal: Noooo way! Bummer ...they're already gone.

breathing normal again

2007-12-11T15:29:00.000-08:00

We had quite the storm sweep through Washington .... and if you've seen the news you saw all the flooding and the land slides and the mess it left behind.

Well, that wasn't here. We are lucky to be living in the Rainshadow of the Olympic mountain range and it kind of swooped around us. We got beautiful snow, and and some cold temperatures, but we missed all the 60 mile an hour windy, 10 foot high flood parts.

Sorry to drop a bombshell on ya'all and then walk away, but I suck like that. Ha.

Thank you to all of you for your kind words and thoughts, it really means a lot. A special thanks to my friend Mrs G. (who is probably thinking of changing her email address about now) for helping to put some perspective on the whole thing.

I didn't freak out too much, because as Dick loves to remind me "I'm a pushover." So, I cried ... a LOT... and indulged in all the self pitying, "I'm a horrible mother" ..."poor me," crappola for a few days... and then I put my big-girl panties on and now we're dealing with it.

Do I know what we are going to do?

Nope. Just make the best of it and try to come up with a plan. I'm a girl that always has a plan. So the plan right now is to cry some more, okkkk not really ... the plan is to try and ~~knock some sense in to~~ love and support these kids while they struggle with the enormity of this whole situation.

Having strong beliefs in a womans right to choose to have an abortion, I struggle with what is right and what is wrong here. Part of me wants to fall on the floor and beg her to have an abortion, not to bring such hardship upon the both of them at such a young age, but the part of me that is a woman ....and a mother and a potential new grandmother... just can't.

Being adopted myself means I can argue the point with the best of them, but I just can't bring myself to push for that option either.

They are young and idealistic and in love, and although the deck is stacked against them, we have to hope for the best and pray a lot.

So what is left? Love them, then love them some more, and help prepare them for the hardest job on earth...

Being good parents.

just breathe

2007-12-04T14:52:00.000-08:00

Mothers carry the weight of the world...

If your kid throws himself down on the floor of the store and has a melt down, his Mother didn't teach him better. Bad grades? The Mother should help do homework and pay better attention to whats going on. Anti-social? Mommsie probably screwed up your potty training. Commitment issues? Track that shit back and I bet it's Mom's fault.

I know that I tended to examine my decisions and question my judgment over the most simple things like "Should I really let you be licking the floor, even if it is the first time you've been quiet in 5 hours?!?!?" To the most difficult decisions, like... is 11 years old the right time to talk about safe sex and diseases that can kill you?

I do know that when I started having kids 27 years ago this weekend, my views on what being a parent was, and my hopes and dreams for my children were a lot different than they are now.

God how I thought I knew what I was doing... and how absolutely clueless I really was.

You can always give advice or think you know what you would do. "If that were my kid...," echoes in my mind as something I know I have said about other people and their issues with their children.

But unless you are standing there at that moment in time with your own kid, you don't really know.

This past weekend, standing in the snow with the kids, catching snow flakes on our tongues, I looked up at my 17 year old son and all I could see was that beautiful baby boy they handed me. He was wrapped so tightly in his striped hospital receiving blanket.

What I wanted most was to go back in time and snuggle him next to me on the couch, hold his little tiny fingers to my lips, smooth the hair back from his eyes... hold him close and just breathe him in ...one last time.

When he turned his head, and his eyes, eyes that are a mirror of mine, looked back at me.... He said, "Mom... I really need to talk to you...."

I really wasn't prepared to hear the words. I wasn't expecting the words...

We walked slowly up the path, and I remember thinking, whatever it is ... he sure is looking grown up these days...

"Mom .....Shan and I .....we're pregnant."

White stuff

2007-12-02T10:47:00.000-08:00

When it snows like this ...

Shouldn't a girl be off if the next day is Monday?

In the end...

2007-11-26T07:20:00.000-08:00

There were many stories told....

There were even a few surprises...

Everyone got to taste different things

With a minimum of pouting and arguing

There was much happiness

And a whole lot of Love!

And that my friends, was Thanksgiving 2007!

Part 2

2007-11-24T00:47:00.000-08:00

There were 2 turkeys with all the trimmings.

Why you ask? Well because no matter how many times you tell my 82 year old Mother or my 94 year old Aunt NOOOO, they still purchased the "Complete Turkey Dinner" package at Safeway.

Have you ever tasted a "pre-cooked" turkey in a bag?

I have no words.

We had picked up Mom and the "Turkey Surprise" on Wednesday night. On the way home I made a quick stop at the grocery store for anything we might have missed when we spent $297 the day before, then I whipped in to the parking lot at the liquor store at the bottom of the hill.

Here in Washington the liquor stores are run by the state. You can't buy everything in one store here, don't even try. The liquor stores sell the hard stuff and the hard stuff only. If you want beer you need to get that at a convenience store or the grocery store. Not at the "Liquor" store.

Get back in the car and drive back up the highway to the convenience store and buy beer and cigarettes.

Drive back down the highway and up the hill to unload Mom, the "Turkey Delight" and the rest of the groceries from the car.

Although the day before I said the teenagers ride public transportation, I forgot to mention that it doesn't apply in the evening, that is only for daytime activities. At night I am the "Teenager express."

Drop one teenager at the girlfriends, take one pre-teen to the video store and just for fun drag the other teenager around so I can watch her pout and sulk up against the car door because I still haven't gotten around to ordering her those new Van's online.

Arrive back at the front door in time to find out I picked up the wrong wine. Yes, Mom said she wants Zinfandel but "Did I know that it comes in red or white?" NoooooIdontdrinkfuckingwineeeeeeeeeeee!

Back in the car, back to the liquor store for the WHITE Zinfandel. Drive back up the hill to pick up the teenager and his girlfriend, speed back down the hill and park in front of my family filled house.

Briefly day dream about running away to one of the warmer isolated tropical islands. Suck it up and shake it off and dive back in.

Favorite Sister-in-law meets me at the door with my first Lemon Drop. Have I mentioned I just love her?

Before I start drinking heavily I quickly do a head count, pantry inventory, and medicate the ear-achy toddler. Deposit the pre-teen in front of the tv with his game, watch the girl child wander off to her room still pouting, and remind the oldest that no one really wants to hear Death Metal at 200 decibels.

I pour Mom a glass of wine and try dragging her out of my kitchen. Apparently my toaster and microwave aren't clean enough. Although we cleaned house for TWO days before bringing home ~~the mistress of clean~~ Grandma, she is now wielding her clorox-cleanup rag like a weapon.

SIL and I pour another Lemon Drop, while plotting our strategy for removing her from the kitchen.

and its still just Wednesday night....

A Thanksgiving list ... part 1

2007-11-21T01:54:00.000-08:00

1. Bloggy friends that just "get" me, even when I'm being whiney and anal.

2. A huge family to share the holidays with.

3. The liquor store at the bottom of the hill.

4. Flexible hours at work so I can stay home with BT because he has ANOTHER ear infection.

5. Dick's new job so he isn't home today too.

6. Teenagers that will ride public transportation.

7. Funny blog friends so I can sit here and laugh reading blogs instead of watching SpongeBob the movie for 627th time.

8. Cheaptickets.com because I forgot to buy those plane tickets for the niece and nephew before they jacked the prices up.

9. Online bill pay because I forgot to pay the cable bill too.

10. The liquor store at the bottom of the hill.

11. A sister in law that does dishes and makes coffee at 6:00 a.m. and never complains.

to be continued...

monday, monday

2007-11-18T11:38:00.000-08:00

A lot of the time when I write, I don't feel like I describe in depth, my thoughts and feelings. Like I haven't been able to share my views on life as eloquently as some seem to do so easily.

I'm not sure what my writing style is, or even how to go about acquiring a writing style. There are quite a few stories and even a couple of books in me ....if I can figure how to get them out. Someday.

Since the very beginning I have always suffered over my posts, agonized over each word before hitting the publish button. I avoid sharing my political views most of the time too.....and most of the time my glimpses in to our life are served up with humor.

I suppose I am wary of sharing too much, investing too much ... being too "out there" with my opinions? No not really. Just unsure how to express myself and get it right, say what I really mean.

The other day when reading thru blogs of people who, I think, write brilliantly, and get their point across with great style, I dropped in on the Queen of Dysfunction and read her post for Veteran's Day. She literally sums up some bitter truths about our society and the state our country is in.

Go ahead, go read it, I'll wait here till you get back.

Wasn't that some powerful shit?

It really makes you think.

I admit I have a bit of a fascination with celebrity lifestyles.

And hey! Who isn't up for a few laughs at the expense of a couple spoiled heiresses?

And dude, that first season of Flavor of Love was like watching a slow train wreck with some of the "i cant believe how other peoples children behave ... ohhh. god. my. eyes." funniest shit ever.

But seriously folks.

Seriously.

There is so much wrong with society today I find it overwhelming.

And not just a little bit depressing.

Where do we start? What should come first?

How does one person make a significant difference?

recipe for a good weekend

2007-11-11T15:02:00.000-08:00

I bribe my family. Shamelessly.

I promise them Mexican food in exchange for vacuuming.

Cinnamon rolls for doing dishes.

Clean floors gets them macaroni and cheese.

Clean bathrooms will get you cheesecake.

I came home to a clean house on Friday night. All my floors cleaned and sparkling. My dishes done and my kitchen spotless and bleached with clorox cleanup, leaving that clean smell that makes my toes curl. Bathrooms I wasn't afraid to go in to. I had to go back out and check the address on the front of the house.

So Saturday afternoon was spent ~~paying up~~ cooking mexican dishes and baking goodies. Thats what happens when you bribe a house full of ~~starving~~ motivated people.

Earlier in the day I semi-snuck out of the house with my brother and sister-in law and we went for a drive along the coast.

The sun was peeking out from behind the clouds and the rain was still wet on the road. There was almost no one out and it was a beautiful couple of hours away from the crazy house. I was supposed to take and "become one" with my camera. I forgot it at home. Again. I need to bond with the camera. It would help if I could remember it! The picture above would have been taken by me and probably would have showed the rain clouds, but I had to google one for you instead. Part of my job is to take stunning photographs of scenery and products we sell and well, I don't know a damn thing about photography. Yes, you can look forward to tons of pictures while I work it out. If I had time I would take a class. But as it is I'm learning and installing new software on our network, trying to implement a marketing campaign, design new websites, all while dodging bullets and saving the world in my spare time. Bear with me.

Tomorrow is Veterans Day and I wanted to be able to honor every soldier out there serving our country. As always I remember my Father and several of my Uncles who all served in the armed forces and considered it their duty to their country and were proud to have done so. My nephew Darrell Griffin lost his life serving in Iraq earlier this spring. Here is Darrell and his baby Luna. He is missed by all of us more than words can say. We love you Skip, we remember and we miss you!

Who are you and should it matter?

2007-11-05T15:00:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about this blogging stuff while I was... well of course.... while I was reading blogs. What else?

I read some fantastic blogs, some truly funny shit. Most of you I read every day. A mostly typical morning goes like this..

6:15am Check email and that cute little site meter thing that tells me from where and how people are coming to my page, reading about my life, wondering how in the hell they got here. Delete 73 junk emails trying to help enlarge my penis with MegaDik.

6:30ish Return to the desk semi dressed and clutching a cup of coffee. Visit my first couple of blogs while packing up my important junk off the counter. Chase down BT, wrestle him to the floor to put his pants BACK on and put on his socks. Buy some time to finish getting dressed with an episode of Sponge Bob and a bowl of cheerios.

6:38 and 1/2ish Pick up towels and dirty clothes off the bathroom floor, grab gym shorts off the towel rack, throw the blankets back on the bed. Find my sandals, close the dresser drawer, chase down BT and put his socks and shoes back on. Slide in to my desk chair and finish another blog while sipping luke warm coffee generously dosed up with hazelnut coffee cream.

6:45 Refill coffee and top up with more hazelnut. Briefly think about the amount of points I drink with each cup. Avoid Dick. No really HE is grOUCHy in the morning. Get your minds out of the gutter people! Click on just one more link ...

6:55 Laugh. Click. Sigh and smile. Click. Wish I had time to comment. Click. Laugh some more. Hoover over the X and finish up the last sentence of a compelling paragraph. Sigh and wish I could write like that. Put Missy's hair up in a pony tail. Grab snacks for the drive to daycare and enough for the trip home that night. Pick up mushy cheerios off the floor. Throw dishes in the sink.

7:08 Rush out the door with Dick and BT, late again as usual, hugs and kisses with reminders of lights, homework, gym shorts, keys, and jackets for the tweens and teens. Speed off down Hwy 101, avoid the usual speed traps, bahhh baaaah at the sheep as we pass, say good morning to Cranky Crane at a building site and try to keep up with the constant chatter of a 3 year old.

7:31 Slide in to a parking space at work and wave goodbye to BT & Dick. Blow kisses. Mentally trace the route they go to the school and then to work and say a silent little prayer. Stop off at the coffee pot and refill my cup of coffee. Sit down at my desk, shuffle papers aside and open Outlook. Check CNN and Yahoo news.

7:35 Open my first blog. Log in and check my instant messengers. Open another blog.

I've got it good huh? It didn't used to be like this. Back when I first started writing I was lucky if I got to check my email at work. I could never have posted from work, or read ten or twelve blogs in a day. Not that I read ten or twelve blogs in a day, I mean comeee onnnn I have work to do!

But back to what I was thinking about the writing of blogs. Sometimes I want to write to you about work, I want to tell you about the characters we have there, let you in on some of the fun. One of my co-workers compares us to the episodes of The Office. We do some funny shit and as much as I want to share it with you guys, the thought that has always kept me from doing so is...

What if I get dooced? What if someone from the office found my site and reads it to see what kind of crap I tell you and the rest of the world?

So tell me... who is reading this?

Are any of you lurkers reading this doubling as a coworker and just waiting for me to spill the beans?

loose change

2007-10-31T15:04:00.000-07:00

Another new look. I think I like it.

The teenagers have been put on work detail.

The report cards are in and everyone is getting mostly A's and B's.

It's hard to smack down kids that are getting good grades.

I smoke marlboro cigarettes and I have for years. Im trying a new brand and I hate it.

We're doing a software conversion at work and it isnt any fun at all.

It's getting colder each day and the leaves are falling off the trees.

I'm still wearing sandals.

The kids have colds & fevers again. For the second time in 6 weeks.

They have shoes and coats. Honest.

BT (Baby Terror) is three years old and scared of his own shadow. Everything is scary.

Halloween was scary.

Scary is the bill I just got for his pre-school.

I had to write a letter to my oldest son and send it to him in jail.

I miss my old friends and my old boss and my old co-workers.

There is 74 cents in my checking account.

It's past my bedtime.

Teenager smackdown part 1

2007-10-27T01:35:00.000-07:00

Some of you might remember that I have 5 kids. No need to leave comments with suggestions on birth control, really, I figured that out all my own. I have been a mother for 25 years and have ~~cried while ripping my hair out~~ loved every minute of it. Honestly.

The phenomenon I would like to address today, is known as the Teenager.

While I have two teenagers (and a pre-teen and a toddler) we will only be discussing the male teenager here today. Lets call him by his real name ~~Master Slob~~ Michael.

Although this particular teenager has a wonderful sense of humor, he has developed some truly annoying habits.

Who knew that as our sweet little angel grew up and made friends, that those same friends ~~we were afraid he wouldn't make and become a sullen loner~~ would suddenly become attached to each other like siamese triplets. One can't go anywhere without the other. They seem to be sharing one brain cell too. Yes I said ONE brain cell, no not an entire brain.

If the whole joined at the hip thing isn't enough to annoy a ~~martyr~~ mother, just trying to wade through the crap they leave lying on the floor in their wake is. Namely, every towel I own. Every dish. Every bowl. Every fork and spoon.

Let me tell you how happy I was when I got out of the shower this morning and had to dry off with a baby blanket.

A very small baby blanket.

Almost as happy as when I went to serve dinner last night and realized that all of my plates were down stairs in his room with microwaved burritos and welded on aging cheese, from the last kitchen raid midnight snack.

I have bitched nagged till I have lost my voice. I have begged and pleaded. I have warned, reminded, whined, had heart-to-3 heart chats. I have yelled, screamed, and stomped till I am blue in the face.

It's time for the smackdown.

Place your bets.

waking up to this

2007-10-20T02:50:00.000-07:00

So the other night I go to bed and my trees look like normal trees and I wake up the next morning and my tree looks like this!

I swear it turned bright red over night!

Today I got up and wandered in to the kitchen to make coffee and was greeted with this awesome double rainbow.

I would show you a picture of the snow that was dumped on the mountains over night but it is a bit cloudy right now and and you cant see them. But take my word for it, it is gorgeous.

Justice and the Mother possum

2007-10-13T02:21:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, when you drive around with an expired drivers license and the ~~cops~~ State Trooper pulls you over, you get to go to court. Can you just imagine how excited I was? I followed the instructions on the back of my ticket, and mailed my ~~proof of idiocy~~ ticket in to the courthouse. I was rewarded with a short letter and a date to appear in court to plead ~~insanity~~ my case.

I explained to my Boss and co-workers how I ~~avoided~~ forgot to renew my license and how I was rewarded with a $825 ticket and an ~~order~~ invitation to see justice in action. I know, all this fun and half a day off without pay. Lucky me.

I arrived at the courthouse and navigated my way to room 260 just in time for the mental health hearing. Hmmm I admit that not renewing my license was stupid, but questioning my mental health really did seem extreme. Checking the clock, I slide up to the counter and ask if I was ~~about to be straight jacketed~~ in the right place. Yes, the Judge happens to be doing double duty and was ruling on a private matter before moving on to the driving challenged. Whew.

Wandering over to the wooden bench outside the courtroom door, I sit down and try to ~~wipe the nervous sweat off my face and neck~~ calm myself before judgment time. Why did I feel like I had committed some heinous crime? Was it because I was wearing worn out flip flop's and hadn't painted my toes this year? Nonchalantly digging in my purse for something to read, all I can find is the weight watchers list of free foods. Fantastic reading. If I had paid more attention to that list a year or two ago I probably would have been wearing that much-too-tight seat belt and saved myself $102 of the pending $825 slap on the wrist. Sigh.

Glancing up as the ~~crazies~~ previous case finishes up and leaves the court room, I count about 20 or so people all milling around and moving toward the now empty ~~chamber of horrors~~ room 260. I gather up my much needed list, hide my toes and try to find a good seat. Past the two teenagers texting, keep going past the lovebirds, ahh yes, right there next to the bag lady with the crazy hair.

The first couple of cases were pretty standard for these parts, a rear end accident when a deer jumped in front of traffic on the highway, dismissed. A new speed limit sign outside the golf course which resulted in the poor retired man getting a speeding ticket for the first time in 30 years, dismissed. This guy is in a great mood, thats two dismissed, it's looking up.

Glancing down at his list of ~~criminals~~ driving challenged, he calls a little old man that appears to be 100 and aging fast. Five ~~long years~~ full minutes later he's seated in front of the judge.

Judge: "So what brings you here today ~~Father Time~~ Mr. Simmons?"

FT: "Well, Your Honor, Sir, I got this here speeding ticket a block from my house."

Judge: "It says here you were speeding, doing 40mph in a 30mph zone. Were you speeding Mr. Simmons?"

FT: "Well, Your Honor, Sir, I might have been in a bit of hurry to get home before the sunset. I don't like to be out driving past sunset. There is a lot of accidents after sunset. Besides the cats were real hungry on account of the possums."

Judge: "Possums?"

FT: "Yes Your Honor Sir."

Judge: "So you were speeding to get home and feed the cats?"

FT: "Well yes Your Honor, Sir, sort of, the only reason I went out was to get cat food for the possums."

Judge: "So the cat food was for the possums and not the cats?"

FT: "Well see Your Honor Sir, the cats won't eat that dry cat food I git down there at Walmart. I get that 20lb bag thats on sale, and them cats are kinda spoiled, but the possums just love it and when I run out they just let themselves in the house and eat the cats food."

Judge: "The possums come in your house?"

FT: "Well yes Your Honor Sir, on account of that darn doggy door my son put in the kitchen door. I never did like that door but the cats like going in and out and I have to admit it does smell better in the hallway now that they go outside to do their business."

Judge: "So, the possums come in your house?"

FT: "Only if I run out of that cat food from Walmart Your Honor Sir." "You see, this Mama possum, she had her babies out behind the shed in the spring, and ifin I don't put out the food for the babies then she just meanders on in the house through that there doggy door and helps herself to the 'spensive cat food and that there makes old Puffer, thats the oldest of them cats, he has a right nasty disposition too, that makes old Puffer mad and then all HELL breaks loose in the kitchen. Last time we almost had ourselves a grease fire (pronounced fahr) and as you might imagine, that just got the missus right fired (fahrd) up.

Judge: "Dismissed!"

About now you are probably thinking to yourself, Did she land in an episode of Mayberry R.F.D.? ~~Father time~~ Mr. Simmons makes his way out of court, and the Judge calls Yours Truly. How in the world was I going to compete with the Mother of all Possums?

Cautiously I take the empty chair in front of the judge. Smiling nervously, hiding my ugly toes, trying not to fidget and look guilty. I admit that yes, I was driving without a seatbelt and yes I might not have had a valid Washington State drivers license. The judge looks over his glasses at me, "Did you have a license at all Mrs Ifitwasntthis?" "Well your Honor Sir, technically no, but I have a good excuse see, we moved our 5 kids and my aging Mother away from an irresponsible family filled nightmare, to save our sanity and I might not have gotten that extension from the ~~3rd world country~~ DMV before we ~~sped~~ no ~~ran as fast as we could~~ ummmm, moved.

Judge shaking his head: "So do you have a license now?"

Me: "Yes sir, passed on my first try" "Because of course I've had a license for amost 30 years and of course I KNOW how to drive and it was just an oversight ....

Judge still shaking his head: "$125 for the no seat belt charge, unless you have a good explanation for that as well?"

Me: Pausing to try and think of a good reason besides the fact that I think its ridiculous to make people wear seat belts and that the government has no business telling us we HAVE to wear a stupid seatbelt if we dont want to. "No Your Honor Sir."

I grabbed my stuff and ran.

And that my friends, is how we roll here in PA WA!

Driving like Britney

2007-10-07T01:31:00.000-07:00

I am now a officially a resident of Washington state, registered to vote and the proud owner of a drivers license with my horrible double-chinned picture on it. Of course this was the last thing I wanted to do when we moved, and I had carefully avoided it untilÃƒâ€šÃ‚ a couple weeks ago when a picky State Trooper pointed out that my California drivers license had expired in 2005!

Alrighty, so I tend to procrastinate.

Especially when it includes a trip to DMV or DOL as they call it here. The dreaded DMV in California is like landing in a 3rd world country, without luggage or an interpreter. The only things missing are the small farm animals.
As I pulled in to the parking lot of our local DOL office, I was prepared for the worst. Big surprise! It was practically empty! There were carpets on the tile floors, chairs with actual padding that weren't bolted to the floor, and even a smiling and friendly state worker! I took the written test and passed, without studying!

I LOVE this place!

I haven't really talked much about my family since we got here. We had moved my Mother here just a couple months before we moved and it was easier to put some distance between us and California, we were worn out. And lets face it, it's always easier not to deal with shit when you're 800 miles away from it.

I got an email from a friend that reads this blog and she reminded me that I haven't said anything about the family left behind when we moved. It has been over 6 months and if you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you might remember we had moved in to a large 6 bedroom house for the last year in California. We took in my Brother and his girlfriend who were unemployed and recently straight and sober, and who had been living with my Mother, and after a bit of an intervention and a trip to rehab we moved my oldest Son who was 26, in with us to try and give him a chance at a new start in life.

Unfortunately it didn't quite work out the way I wanted. By the time we left for Washington my son was back on drugs and violent outbursts were the norm. He raged at his younger brothers and sisters, at me, at his girlfriend, at the world. At first he hid from the drug lifestyle and friends he had hung with previously, but gradually as he realized he was expected to work and work hard at being responsible for himself and his 7 year old son, he went back to a life of crime to support his habit. Even stooping so low as to steal paperwork from his Grandmothers and fraudulently open over 10 different accounts, totaling way over $100,000 in charges. We discovered this about a month after we got here. He has been in and out of jail since April at least 6 different times for various crimes, but California jails are so filled with celebrities and violent offenders he gets slapped on the wrist and let out early every time. I could go on and on about the different aspects of this situation, I have already blamed my mothering skills, genetic pre-disposition, the hip hop culture he grew up in, the leniency of the judicial system and on and on, but what it comes down to eventually is, it is a choice. Isn't it?

Our family had been drug through the methamphetamine wars for over 5 years. After 3 attempts at rehab my Grandson's Mother had taken her own life and left her 4 young children behind with an exhausted, heart broken and disillusioned family. We thought that this would be the tragic wake up call my son needed to get his life together and get off drugs, unfortunately that wasn't the case. He sank deeper and deeper before our eyes. All of our attempts to help thrown back in our faces. The one bright spot was watching Shelby's family heal while they came together to care for her children. After years of struggling and fighting and tough love with Shelby they had an opportunity to get close to her children. It was by far the saddest thing I have ever been through.

My Brother and his girlfriend had many issues of their own, including health problems and depression. Although they had known our plans to relocate our Mother and ourselves, it seemed they were living in a state of denial. In the 11th hour my brother did finally get a part time job and make an effort at becoming self reliant. His girlfriend began treatment for her depression and they both found a room to rent from a friend.

When the last box was packed and loaded in to the moving truck, we hoped we had done all we could for the people we loved, but knew that we had to take this dream we had held on to and move forward.

We pulled out of town and tried not to look back, it was too hard.

Whining out loud

2007-09-22T03:01:00.000-07:00

I really am still breathing. I haven't run away to live in a cabin secluded in the woods with 12 cats. Yet.

I haven't even been off having fun without telling you all (my 4 faithful readers)

It has been one busy day after another busy day and they all seem to be running together. The kids went back to school a couple weeks ago, and getting every one back on schedule has been a MAJOR pain in the ass. Bus schedules and clothes shopping, filing the supply list handed out for each grade, and have you seen the mountain of paper work each kid brings home at the beginning of the year?? Well times that by 3 and then top it off with new Doctor, Dentist and Insurance paper work and I may never recover from the writers cramp I have.

BT started at a new pre-school because Dad isn't a stay-at-home Dad anymore. This whole turn of events has thrown the house in to chaos. Nothing is getting done on time, kids aren't doing chores, dinner time slips closer to bedtime, evenings of homework and laundry are a nightmare and mornings are the stuff divorces are made of. Or murder.

I HATE the property management people we rented this house from, run by a crack ho. She is all sucked up and skinny as hell, and has a nasty disposition to go with it. Not to mention she can't remember what she is supposed to do from one day to the next. So consequently we are still waiting for a lot of things to be fixed, things we put on the walk through from the day we moved in! The screens on the windows took 3 months to get done. The sprinklers for the front yard still haven't been fixed. The heater wasn't too important over the summer, but I have a feeling about the time Thanksgiving rolls around and we are all wearing the contents of our closets and huddling together for warmth, I'm going to feel differently.

There. Feeling pretty good about your lives about now aren't you?

And you thought it was all a day at the beach here. Ha!

Potty Mouth

2007-08-15T15:37:00.000-07:00

I totally suck at posting these days, no excuses. Don't look at me like that, I can't help it! I have squeezed in a trip or two to the beach with BT. It's hard to resist a 3 yr old that greets you at the door and says "Oh good mommy's home we can go to the fucking beach now!" Someone might have mumbled under their breath "for the 27millionth time we cant go to the fucking beach today" a time or two too many. It's been a long few weeks.

some catching up…

2007-07-14T06:24:00.000-07:00

with pictures! yayyy!

Ok so hell two-weeks is over, and the niece and nephew have flown back to California, and the big kids have gone to their Dad's in California for 6 weeks ...and this is the break I was looking so forward to, had semi wet dreams of ! I was going to enjoy the peace and quiet, catch up on my reading, wander through my still clean house. I was giddy at the thought of a clean bathroom with the toilet lid in the down position just waiting for me. The stereo was going to play MY choice of music instead of make-your-ears-bleed-metal and that stupid ass umbrella song, it was going to be heaven.

AND...

I'm bored.

Yes, you heard me BORED! Somewhere along this last quarter century of raising kids, I have forgotten how to be without them. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed a weekend here and there when they were off doing their own thing, but 6 WEEKS? What the hell am I going to do? Besides save a million dollars on groceries. And worse yet, I even had to admit to myself what a selfless thing it was for their Dad to let me move them 800 miles away from him. Shit. I think I'll start drinking.

Heres the 4th of July pictures from the beach, that would be the beach thats 20 minutes from our house. I love that part. It was a fantastic fun day and everyone had a blast. We are still blown away by the fact that it is so beautiful, every day, rain or shine.

Body surfing and chasing waves and being bossed around by BT

BT haulin butt as fast as his little legs could carry him down the beach

believe it or not that brown furry thing about to jump in the waves is a sea otter! it was playing in the waves on the beach with the kids right there like it didnt have a care in the world!

dont they look happy? and sandy ...

BT did a little flag waving, and yes that is a real deer near the woods!

tuckered out, wet and cold BT passes out with Dad.

Sorry I couldnt make the video of the fireworks from out house work on here, so I'll have to leave you with a sunset picture. Let me just say the fireworks were totally awesome! We had a fantastic view of the whole town setting off fireworks at sunset. All along Ediz Hook people set off their own and the display lit by the city all exploded right out side of our huge picture windows. I've never seen anything like it, It was the perfect end to a wonderful day :)

PS... no matter what I do this stupid ass blog template screws up my pictures and will not let me post anything right! It is safe to say I will be overhauling this blog and this template is being dumped in the trash!

The world is shrinking…

2007-07-01T16:29:00.000-07:00

and I can prove it!

I grew up quite a bit like an army brat, only my Father was in the FAA. (The Federal Aviation Administration for those of you who don't have a BA in government abbreviations) I didn't realize at the time the sacrifices my Dad made and what a lucky kid I was.

Growing up in remote places and enjoying the freedom of small towns and out of the ordinary beautiful locations like Juneau Alaska and Wake Island has left me with a lifetime of incredible memories.

Quite a lot of those special memories were of the few years we spent on Wake Island between 1966 and 1970. I started first grade there and played on the beaches and swam in the lagoon pictured here. It was a carefree time and I know that I didn't fully appreciate those years until I was grown with kids of my own. Of all the great and wonderful times, one of the scariest was in 1967 when typhoon Sarah hit the island. I remember it as a 7 year old kid, oblivious to the danger, playing hide-n-seek under the table while the storm raged outside. The reality was it was one of the largest tropical storms to ever hit the island and we were all in quite a lot of danger. A few days before the storm warning came, my mother had taken my brother to see a doctor in Hawaii, and left me behind with my father. At that time he was the Assistant Area Manager and as the storm approached it was his job to make sure the island was ready for the storm. On the day the storm hit the island he had to be on duty and they evacuated the front row of beach houses in to shelters and other homes. Friends of my parents who lived on that first row of beach houses, brought their kids and came to stay with me at our house. We boarded up the windows and pulled out the candles and settled in to ride out the storm. As I remember it, we 4 kids had a great time hiding under the kitchen table on mattresses, yelling at each other at the top of our voices, trying to be heard over the roar of the 100 mph winds. I'm not sure how long it was before the storm crashed through the front of the house and we had to run for cover through the eye of the storm, pounding on neighbors doors and hoping they would hear us and let us in. When it was all over, the island was nearly destroyed, and my father was frantically searching the houses left standing looking for me.

Fast forward ...ohhhh lets say 40 years! I can't believe its possible but it has been 40 years! GOD I'M GETTING OLD! I was living in California and thinking of moving here to Washington state and I posted on this very blog, about how I wanted my kids to grow up in a small town, and wished they could experience the kind of childhood that I was given. I talked about my time on Wake Island and posted a picture of Port Angeles Washington where we had decided to move.

*insert spooky sound track here*

I came home one day a couple months after we had settled in here and checked my email and I had received an email from a very nice lady who had stumbled across my blog. She had also spent some time on Wake Island and wanted to reminisce about island life and possibly put me in touch with a few others who held reunions each year. I was so excited to get her email and I answered her right away, glad to talk with someone who had the same fond memories that I did. As we sat emailing each other back and forth, the talk turned to the year of the storm and we realized that we were both there at the same time. Then we realized that both of our fathers were in the FAA and we were close to the same age. *more spooky music* The next email that came from her was in all caps ... WAS YOUR FATHER RAY THE AREA MANAGER?? BECAUSE IF THATS HIM , IT WAS ME AND MY BROTHERS THAT HUDDLED UNDER THE TABLE DURING THE STORM WITH YOU! I sat stunned, looking at the email, thinking...

"How in the world is this even possible?"

This was the little girl I had shared a blanket and cookies with under that table thousands of miles away from here and ohhhh so long ago... is it fate? karma? coincidence? I have no idea ... but I am thoroughly enjoying getting to know this new friend that I share such an important part of my past with.

attention perverts

2007-06-12T12:44:00.000-07:00

I have no idea why when you search google for "asshole tattoos or tattoo around your asshole" you end up here. I swear what you're lookin for isn't here!

And for those of you that searched for "games to play in a small jail cell" Don't you think you might have bigger issues to work on while you're there?

*sigh*

Stuff to do

2007-06-10T16:15:00.000-07:00

I have a hugeeee list of stuff that I need to do. I never quite finish anything at home these days. The garden, the laundry, the dishes... all undone. I'm working on finishing a new price list and new product line catalog at the new job. I haven't done ad layouts for a dozen years, and I find myself in charge of Marketing and Advertising and IT all at the same time. Yep, I asked for a challenge and I found one. I like it a lot more now than I thought I was going to in the beginning. Adjusting is hard for us old folks. Three months in and I already need a vacation HA!

The kids are out of school here in about 10 days, and for the first time ever, I don't think they are really excited about it? I guess since they are just settling in at new schools and making friends, it seems like its getting cut short. They are leaving to go to their Dad's for about 6 weeks right after the 4th of July. Between now and then my niece and nephew are coming to visit so it will really be KID CENTRAL around here the next few weeks. Six amped up, fresh out of school kids... pray for me!

I had to take down the Paris video before my few loyal readers bailed on me. I know, I know, it was a JOKE people! I figured my friend Jen in California needed a break from all the Bon Jovi shes been listening to. *snickers* Anyway, check out this new rockin video of Amy Winehouse, I'm trying to make up for my sin of subjecting you all to tasteless music and for posting about Paris!

Making an Example of Paris

2007-06-08T06:19:00.000-07:00

I don't know where to start with this. First off I can't believe I'm writing a post that even contains a reference to Paris Hilton, let alone a post that defends her, but this is OUTRAGEOUS and RIDICULOUS!

Should she have been driving a car drunk? Of course not. Should she have had to go to court? Of course. Should she be treated like any one of us had we been charged with the same offense? Of course. Should she be made an example of because of who she is? Thats the one I have a problem with. Is it fair to hold someone else up to a different set of standards just because they happen to be a rich heiress? I don't think so. Should the punishment be imprisonment for disobeying a direct court order? Well, technically yes. But this is where we get in to the grey area for me. Our jails are overflowing with criminals. True down and dirty mean ass criminals. People we should be frightened of, people that shouldn't be out on the streets. Yet every single day, we release these people from the jails because of overcrowding. Someone at the jail decides who stays and who goes. This happens in every major city in California from what I can tell. I can't say for other states because I don't live there or wasn't paying attention when I did. So Joe Jailer takes a look at how many people he has in his overcrowded little community and decides who is the most dangerous and who needs to released. Should we release the guy that robbed the gas station down the street at gun point ? Should we release the guy that kicked the shit out of his wife while he was drunk? Should we kick out twisted guy that drowned his baby? Do you think that little Miss Paris should sit in a jail cell and rot because shes an annoying piece of fluff? Great copy for the tabloids but I have to ask, Where is the justice in that? I could debate this all day, but I'm not going to. I'm going to put the blame for this entire spectacle on the Judge where it belongs. I say, "Punish Paris Prudently." Instead of the Judge trying to make himself look and feel important, or follow some ridiculous hidden political agenda. Sentence the girl to some community service. Make her do something that gives back to the community she lives in. I bet that would teach her a lesson a lot damn faster than this circus crap that has been going on. Maybe she would actually come to care about the community she lives in. Maybe she has something to contribute? Maybe no one has given her a good swift kick in her heiress ass before and made her accountable for her actions. There thats my opinion. What do you think? Don't hold back now....

We Remember…

2007-05-27T12:15:00.000-07:00

DARRELL R GRIFFIN JR.

March 13 1971 - March 21 2007

A lot of his friends called him "Griff" ... We called him "Little Skip"

I always thought of him as my nephew, my husbands cousin, just part of the extended family and one of the "kids" even though now I realize he was only about 10 years younger than I. Seeing Skip at family functions over the years, I took for granted that there would be a "next time". There wasn't.

Today I was visiting the blogs I visit and it suddenly hit me that it was about to be Memorial Day. Rhonda has a lovely tribute to her friend Chris on her blog, it included a video and a link to a photographer's page that attends memorial services across the country. I decided to click on his link just to see if he might have attended Skip's down in Southern California, and there it was, a link to a news story and few articles and memorial sites for Skip. He was truly a special guy, with a fantastic sense of humor who loved his family, his friends, his wife and his dog Luna.

I have so much to say about this war, but I'm not going to. I am going to let Darrell "Skip" tell you in his own words. He was interviewed by Alex Kingsbury of the U.S. News & World Report just 18 days before he was killed. The following paragraphs are from Darrell's own journal and reprinted in the U.S. News & World Report this last week. This link is to a memorial page for Skip with pictures of his wife, Diana and his "little girl" Luna, his dog. Say a little prayer for his family as they gather today in Northern California and remember the wonderful life and times of a really awesome guy.

Editor's Note: The following is a brief excerpt from the first two pages of the journal/manuscript that Staff Sgt. Darrell Griffin Jr. kept during his deployments to Iraq. It was an ongoing project that father and son shared. Griffin Sr. provided a copy to U.S. News. Much of Griffin Jr.'s writing was later lost when the Army erased his laptop's hard drive after his death.

I am attempting to create an account of two tours of combat in Iraq as an Infantryman. I am trying to make sense of a world that I had never known until the first time that I had to kill a man. A world where men wanted to kill me and a world where friends didn't just move away but died violent deaths on the field of battle.

I was an EMT (Emergency Medical Technician) prior to coming in the military in June, 2001. I worked on the mean streets of Compton, California and knew what senseless dying looked, smelled and felt like. With all of the attenuated emotional, psychological and spiritual trauma that has come with seeing death and dealing it out, I have also been plagued with the unanswered questions that our government is asking itself concerning solutions for the complex situation that we have put ourselves in.

With no clear strategy politically, the consequences have a direct effect on how we, as the sword of our government, engage not only the "enemy" but also how we engage the various political/religious blocs in this complicated world of intrigue and shifting loyalties. As of late I have started to wonder whether or not we are killing insurgents or merely combatants fighting each other in a "war of all against all." At this stage of the war, I choose not to use the word "insurgent" as a description of who I am trying to kill.

If nothing else, this attempt at a book will hopefully put to rest the demons that I have courted by killing and living in this chaotic world for two years. I want anyone who reads this to remember the anonymous tens of thousands who have died as a result of being caught in the middle of the storm created here when we chose to invade this country. Is this a moral attempt at redemption or a political, clinical description of my experience here? I do not know.

This being said, I will give an account, in the most broad terms, of the people of this country that I have spoken with and what they feel the answers are to the life and death situation that they face on a daily basis....

We loved you Griff, and we remember... everything

this was fun…

2007-05-26T11:33:00.000-07:00

THANKS WENCHY!!!

good for a laugh or three

2007-05-16T15:21:00.000-07:00

I have so much to tell you guys! There is the trip to the lake and the pictures, and I was supposed to do a Thinking Blogger post I was nominated for by Pendullum.

OHH! And wait till I tell you about this friend from my past and how the internet really is shrinking the world!

But for today I leave you with these three seriously FUNNY ass blogs I stumbled across. Read them and laugh like I did. It sure helped pull me out of the blues today! My Own Personal Piece of Doom Cake, It puts the lotion in the the basket, and, The First Book of Testicles.

Hurry! Go read them and laugh ... you can thank me later.

Just Mom’s

2007-05-13T03:41:00.000-07:00

It takes all kinds doesn't it? There isn't just one kind of Mother and there isn't just one way to mother. It took me 40+ years to figure that out and come to terms with it.

My Mother was one in a million. She wasn't the stay-at-home-bake-you-cookies-play-dress-up kind of Mom. I was in awe of my Mother as a child and I still am. She was slightly stand-offish, and always well put together. Mom was always dressed perfectly by the time she appeared in the kitchen to put coffee on. Her makeup was on, she was dressed and accessorized and every hair in place. I thought all Mothers were this way. It never occurred to me that there were women who stumbled out to the coffee pot in bathrobes with curlers in their hair and a cigarette dangling out of their mouth.

My Mom was a tiny 5 foot tall, 95 pound force of unwavering strength and determination. My Father worshiped her and we kids followed suit. My Mom followed my Father across the world, with us kids in tow, and made it all seem effortless. I never saw the daily stresses and strains she hid so well. We were never witness to any fights or disagreements and so consequently we grew up thinking that this is just the way it was done.

I have tried for years to live up to that image of motherhood. I wanted to be perfect and failed miserably. Or at least I felt I didn't live up to the standard my Mother had set. It took years for me to realize that she was human and that she had faults and life was tough for her too. When my Father died I was shocked by my Mothers tears. They immobilized me and filled me with fear. I had never seen this stoic woman cry. It made her so much more human in my eyes. It made me realize that she was a living, breathing, feeling woman. Sadly this is what it took for me to become closer to my Mom. To begin to understand her. To forge a connection with her, a true understanding and heartfelt bond.

Slowly over the last few years, I have come to understand much better what it is to be a Mom. Don't try to hide your little dissapointments and cry alone. Conquer your fears and share them, being selfless and a bit of a martyr isn't really the example you want to set. When you sit and really listen to your kids, they will teach you more than you ever thought possible. You push and nudge in the right direction, and pray they follow. Some days you make huge mistakes and you get up and try again the next day, and you just keep trying.

Just call me Mom.

gone fishing!

2007-05-10T16:20:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Gone Fishing Day at work. My bosses Dad died right after he started our company and in his honor the company closes up and takes off fishing in his memory. It's even a paid holiday! Gotta love that, although its a rather bittersweet day for everyone. So in the morning we pack up the kids, who are missing school for the day, and load up the car and take off to Lake Sutherland for a bar-b-q and potluck and fishing derby!

I know it's rough. What's a girl to do ?

a little of this and some of that

2007-04-29T05:05:00.000-07:00

I know I am the worst at updating lately. Honestly I don't know what to talk about these days. Lets face it when you get sick of listening to yourself, you just KNOW you are boring the shit out of people who don't even know you, let alone the loyal friends and family that get to hear it in person AND on the blog too.

It has been a year since I stumbled across blogger and decided to join the "cool kids" I had discovered there. I wanted to be part of the fun and snarky and inspiring stuff I was reading. My very first post was a ~~whiny~~ bitchy post about the Ex if I remember correctly. I started out venting, and blogger seemed like a nice comfy anonymous place to kick him in the balls. It felt FANTASTIC to let out all that anger! What I didn't realize is, I would run across so many fantastic, caring, awesome bloggers. I remember when the first comments were left on something I wrote, I truly felt like a rock star! I was totally in love with this new way of expressing myself. Then when I made friends and became part of the community I couldn't imagine NOT being a part of it. I introduced my closest buddies to ~~crack~~ blogging and helped them find their way. Although I didn't update everyday, I read tons of your posts every morning over coffee, making myself late for work. I even pushed for a promotion so I could have my own office and internet access, I couldn't go all day without reading my favorite blogger friends!

Now my life has calmed down tremendously. The move cured so many of my every day family stresses, but still I can't seem to get over this block on what to write about. Once I used to rush to the keyboard and tell you all about BT and his butt fetish, or gush over how fantastic the dynamic was of my tweens and teens, or whisper my darkest fears and disapointments with my drug addicted son. Now I sit and stare at my fantastic view and sit in front of a blank screen and try to write and nothing comes to me. I was still reading all your blogs, but I was leaving fewer comments, I became a lurker. I still wanted to keep up with all of you but I didn't know what to say any more. Maybe it was being too lazy to actually log in and fight the google fight to leave a comment. I don't really know why.

Then the other day I was doing my usual surf through my blog roll, stopping in at all my favorites, and found myself on Nikki's Blind Wanderings page and read that she was quitting. She was leaving me and we hadn't even discussed it. Was it because I had been a bad blogger friend? Had I failed to comment enough? Had I not paid attention? Was there something really wrong and I had let her down? I know, I'm obsessive like that. Not to mention neurotic, and self centered. How did I turn her wanting to spend her precious free time with her sweet kids and hunky husband, in to her abandoning me? It was then I realized how much I had come to depend on certain people to always be there, and of course they won't be. Life will get hectic and busy and messy. People will come and go and there is nothing we can do about it. All we can do is live in the moment, be happy and enjoy that part of themselves our friends decide to share. Will I miss Nikki? More than she knows.

For those of you who still hang around here and are interested in my sporadic inconsequential posts... I give you pictures of my new office, desk and other misc shots we couldn't resist.

This is my messy new home away from home

This is my hunky new boss working with kids at the boys & girls club

This is our spoiled warehouse dog Bailey

Gratuitous picture of cute baby in need of a face cleaning and a hair cut

Random picture of happiness

Attack of the killer germs..

2007-04-10T03:24:00.000-07:00

Sorry Pen and everyone else ...didn't mean to leave you hangin. I wanted to give you part two, full of happiness and light and chocolate easter eggs, BUT it wasn't meant to be.

We did manage to pull off the surprise, and boy were those kids surprised! Dick ran in to the airport to pick up "the package" and the unsuspecting kids waited impatiently with me at the curb. Their faces were PRICELESS when the package stepped out from behind a cement column and it finally registered they were actually looking at their Dad! I was repeatedly commended for my terrific lying skills. I am sooo good! That was over two weeks of lying through my teeth!

We did manage to have a wonderful family night dinner with my Mom on Friday and celebrate their Dad's visit. The weather was beautiful that day, and even though I had to work, the group all took off to Ediz Hook and played in the ocean and skipped rocks and just hung out for the day. Saturday turned out to be a nasty day weather wise, so they enjoyed each others company and laid around the house. In the afternoon they dropped down to the local theatre to watch Teen Age Mutant Ninja Turtles and eat their weight in popcorn and candy!

Saturday night the evil flu bug attacked, Missy and BT were the first ones to come down with it in the middle of the night, and it moved on to the Ex and Dick by Sunday afternoon. I took the 17 yr old with me to drop his Dad off at the airport, feeling really bad for him that he had to fly sick, and at the same time thinking smugly to myself that I had escaped the dreaded bug. WRONG. By Monday afternoon I had the chills and the rest. Today I am playing hooky from work, trying to will myself better because guess who doesn't have any medical or sick pay benefits yet? Yep you guessed it.

I didn't forget I was tagged either, and will have my post on 5 Bloggers Who Make You Think ASAP!!! I promise :)

Happy Days!

2007-04-07T04:35:00.000-07:00

This weekend Dick and I surprised the kids with an Easter weekend present ... their Dad. We lied ...yes we lied to them, and told them we were headed to Seattle to pick up a new fishing rod at the airport for my boss. I didn't realize that going to Seattle would be such a trek before we moved here to Port Angeles, but it is quite a trip. It's about a 2 1/2 hour drive, but that includes a trip on the ferry! Having never driven on a ferry before even I was excited!

I thought I would share some pictures of our day with all of you and wish you a Happy Easter!

This was the view from the deck of the ferry on the way...

My beautiful, unsuspecting and happy kids ...

More details later ... and pictures too, if you're really good! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! I know we will!

Disapearing trick

2007-04-03T14:20:00.000-07:00

I know I know! I haven't updated ... I've been a bad blogger!

What can I say? I've been totally self absorbed, immersed in my own family and our new life. Not to mention this new job ... it's kicking my ass! I have to actually think! I'm using parts of my brain I haven't dusted off in quite a few years. I'm even learning new software and applying some of that knowledge I paid such an ungodly amount for when I went to that over priced college! It has definitely reminded me how truly lazy I was in my old job. Okay, maybe lazy is a bit harsh, but I was totally comfortable and yes, I admit it, spoiled rotten!

Where should I start with our update? This place is awesome! Every day I discover a new reason I love it. I swear I'm going to actually remember the camera when I leave the house one of these days. I've been walking most every day with a new friend I've made. She is mean as hell and doesn't buy any of my bullshit excuses for flaking out... I love her! It's really helping me feel better and who knows I may actually loose some of this baby weight, finally.

On a sad note, we lost someone near and dear to our family, my cousin-in-law, Darrell Griffin Jr. Darrel was 36 years old and on his second tour in Iraq. He voluntarily signed up to go this second round because he knew how dangerous it was and he knew if he didn't go, someone younger and more inexperienced would be sent in his place. He was a true hero, having been honored with the bronze star for his bravery in the face of overwhelming danger, saving the lives of several men in his unit. He was loved by all his friends and mostly by all his family, who were so proud of him. I hope you will all say a prayer for his wife and his father and the rest of our family who are all so grief stricken.

I'm shivering sitting here typing, it is cold as hell here still. In sunny California its 78 degrees but not here in Port Angeles. Here it's still considered winter. Can you believe that? This city girl is freezing her ass off in her California sandals and hoody. I'm sure the locals are all laughing at us behind our backs as we load up the shopping cart with firewood at Safeway.

Last but certainly not least... I was totally floored when I got a message from my dear blogger buddy Pendullum saying she had nominated me for a Thinking Award. ME, a Thinking Award! I was speechless and moved to tears by what she wrote about me on her blog. I never even considered myself in the same category with these awesome women (and men) whom I love to read. I am truly honored. Anddd I promise to update again and nominate my 5 before the turn of the century!

~Kim~

The promised land

2007-03-13T10:10:00.000-07:00

Ok, not quite... but it is a promised picture! This was the view after a short rain on the day after we moved in. I'm taking it as a sign it was all meant to be. Sorry it took me so long to get anything posted, but I started my new job after a couple days of driving and a couple more of unpacking, so as you can imagine I'm bitchy and on edge. I am soooo done with this moving stuff. They are going to have to drag me out of this house kicking and screaming!

Although the actual move came off with out a hitch and we all got here in one piece, EVERYTHING else has been a trial. Paperwork for the house has had to be redone, the schools are having trouble transcribing records from the previous schools, the kids have had to all take placement tests that we weren't aware of, shots weren't recorded properly on shot records and now 5 years later it's an issue. The new job is stressful, as new jobs always are, and I'm homesick for my old co-workers. Bad.

But every day we return home to that view that we can see from every window in our house. We light a fire and we have dinner together, just the six of us, and we know that our decision to move was the best decision we've made in a very long time.

~Kim~

Heavenly

2007-03-06T07:49:00.000-08:00

Well we did it !! We made it to the Olympic Peninsula and all in one piece.

What a beautiful trip it was! The kids hadn't made such a long trip before ( not since they were babies anyway) and they fell in love with every place a long the way. I just wanted to drop in and let you all know I didn't disapear forever, and that we made it !

We will be settled soon and need to get the internet hooked up and I'll be around a little more .. and I'll post some pics of the new town and this gorgeous house and view to die for !!!

Denial isn’t just a river.

2007-02-19T07:30:00.000-08:00

it's a way of life.

Deny you have a problem. Deny you have made poor choices. Deny you need to make any changes in your life. Deny you have any responsibilities. Deny your addictions. Deny your family deserves better. Deny how very much your son needs you. Deny your meal ticket is moving in 10 days. Deny and hide.

If you hide and bury your head, you won't have to deal with it. You will have no part in deciding your fate. You just blow in the wind and let it all happen around you. Hide and wallow in self pity and keep denying you have any decisions to make. Maybe someone will make them for you. maybe if you hide and keep your head buried, no one will expect anything from you.

Is it me or is this a chronic illness ???

It isn't just depression. I don't or won't believe it ....it just can't be that simple. It is like an entire life style! Day in and day out ... people CHOOSE to live like this! Apathy is a choice isn't it? And no you can't blame it on drugs. Maybe residual effects but not current and ongoing.

I wanted to blame it on drugs. It would have been easier for me. Because then ....I wouldn't have this biting, gnawing fear that I failed as a mother. I failed to teach something important and vital to my child, my words of wisdom and encouragement failed to reach him. And now I can't save him. From himself.

Just as I failed to make an impression on my younger brother, or his his girlfriend. I tried so hard to give them a dream. Something to believe in. I couldn't bear to watch them plod through life unhappy and not even able to support themselves...with no goals and no ambition. Every minor thing became a major setback. But if you had a goal and something to work towards that could be yours and all it took was hard work and commitment ...then surely that would be better ...right?

I feel harsh and judgmental. I am broken hearted and angry and exhausted.

But I have no regrets .... not one.

I tried.

count down

2007-02-11T15:50:00.000-08:00

Alrighty. I'm going to try and do this updating kinda journal like thing. But you KNOW I tend to wander off and forget to update you ... sooooooooo no getting pissed if I disappear!

Even though I've had this plan in motion for about 4 years, NOTHING EVER GOES ACCORDING TO PLAN! It's frustrating but it's some cosmic law or something that I can not do anything the easy way. EVER. I really am used to it. It doesn't drive me crazy like it does some people. And I also have an annoying habit of over analyzing things, and not discussing my thoughts and then impulsively jumping in to them head first, and expecting everyone to follow me.

So it was with this move to Port Angeles. Even though I knew I wanted to end up on the Olympic Peninsula and started heading towards there about four years ago, I didn't know exactly where. So, I researched the schools, I looked at maps, I read news articles, google'd it, read and posted on forums, turned in my notice at work, then sprung it all on my family, including the date I was going to move. March 1st. Would you all like to start packing now?

Two months sounded like a good amount of time to get organized and ready to go right? WRONG. It was enough time for me to procrastinate and over analyze it all at the same time. I put off the Moving Sale from the first weekend of the month to the second. Great idea Kim, it's been pouring rain for 4 days. Now we've had to move the Moving Sale to the third weekend, a lovely 11 days before the much anticipated departure date.

Every time I've felt like pulling all my hair out ... I look at these pictures and think this is the pay off the best part ...and where I plan on spending forever. Doesn't this make you feel calmer?

So just this last week we made two trips to the dentist, (I actually got the guts to go and have some scary work done) Then a trip to DMV! (it was like a 3rd world country I swear to GOD! I expected to see chickens and goats running between the chairs) Then a rush trip to the INS with all the paper work and new pictures (who remembers little details like expiring residency cards?) And to finish the week out a trip to the County Clerk's office for certified copies of all the kids birth certificates.

This next week is all about the packing! I'm going thru every closet and drawer and only packing the things I cant live without. It feels awesome to throw away and de-clutter some of this crap I've been holding on to. I had old paperwork and phone bills from 1989! Can you believe that shit? 1989! I watched the de-clutter guy Oprah had on her show last Thursday or Friday. I have to agree that holding on to old things and cluttering up your life is a symptom of some other bigger issues you have going on. This move has me taking on all kinds of issues I didn't even really know I had!

So have a good week everyone, I will be PACKING! Throw in a few trips to various schools for a copy of the kids school records ....and we better do those last doctor appointments for check ups. Then theres the car tires and a tune up aghhhhh!

Mad at the world

2007-02-04T07:59:00.000-08:00

I'm pissed off at the world! Here's a few things that made the list before 7:00 a.m.

And since this is my place to vent, I'm not even going to apologize for my foul mouth or the amount of times I use the word fuck.

1. People I sleep with that fucking sleep in.

Yeah ok just fucking once I'd like to be the one that lays there and pretends to be asleep! Just fucking once!

2. People who sleep in period.

I'm pretty much an "early riser" and always have been. Once Im woken up I can't just roll over and go back to sleep ... I think the day should start by 9:00 a.m. even on Saturday or Sunday. Being in bed past then is just being fucking lazy. You're wasting time that should be spent doing something constructive... like blogging about all the lazy bastards in your house.

3. Relatives that live with you.

Is there anything in the world more fucking annoying than someone elses habits? You can learn to live with your significant others little oddities, and even find some of them endearing (at first) but HOLY FUCK my family is driving me over the god damn edge. How can these people sleep 18 hours out of a fucking day??? It's un-fucking-believable! I can't even begin to list the other things, I would be disowned before dinner.

4. Huggies Diapers size 6.

You would think that after 25 years of making diapers these stupid bastards could perfect the leak proof lining thing. I know I know ... I should have started potty training awhile ago and he shouldnt be drinking two sippy-cups of juice/ water at bedtime and all that shit. BUT FUCK! Thats one more load of laundry a day you pricks, do you think you could help out a little here?

5. Children that ignore you.

At all ages. I know you hear me. I know we speak the same language. If I say NOOOOOOOOOOO loudly and tell you not to do something and I'm wearing the "meanmug face" ( I love that term... thanks IAI) , then I MEAN FUCKING NO! Im not just talking to myself, and I'm also not going to buy that whole "But Im only 2 1/2 " bullshit excuse. You know enough to tell me NO on a regular basis dude. And that goes for you too mister 25 year old. I should have slapped you upside the head with NO a lot more 23 years ago.

6. Being late to a bitchfest

What in the fucking hell is wrong with this picture? The Today Show producers and Meredith Vieira is in to setting up Mom bloggers and making them look like alcoholics and horrible parents! (Now she's back-tracking) And I watched part of the episode that morning and dismissed it as a ridiculous topic???? And didn't give it another thought for 3 days or more ?!?!? WTF is wrong with me?!?! I want my life back... and AS GOD IS MY WITNESS after this stressful ass fucking move to Washington State I am going to pull my head out of my proverbial ass. I can not believe some of the comments made and left for Suburban Bliss, go see for yourself, look thru the posts.

I continue to be shocked by people even at my age. I shudder to think what the world thinks of me and my fat-ass in my Payless shoes, cheap earrings and my potty mouth... wait, I forgot, I really don't give a shit. HA!

I could go on all day but I don't have time. I have to go parent other peoples kids and clean up other people's messes.

No I'm not bitter.

Fucking Hell.

Amendum: No I'm not talking about children here .. Im talking about grown-ups (and I use that term loosely believe me) Full grown people who should be productive members of society, but aren't because why? THEY CANT GET OUT OF BED!

Baby’s got Butt

2007-01-29T16:19:00.000-08:00

I have a 2 year old who is fascinated with butts.

5:30 a.m. while bouncing on my butt

"Mommy's butt, Mommy has a butt, Mommy's butt"
and then as he lifts the covers
"ewwwwwwww poopoo!"

6:20 a.m while eating cereal

"BT has a butt, kitty butt, kitty butt, BT has pooopooo!"

6:35 a.m. while being changed

"Lets change BT because I have poopoo on my butt, clean butt!"

7:30 a.m. when packing up for the babysitters

"Shanna has a butt, Emma has butt, Brooky has a butt, lets go!"

8:00 a.m. while sitting in the car with Blue (stuffed animal from blues clues)

"Blues butt, see mommy? See Blues butt? Blues butt has poopoo!"

Yep, the tag on Blue is placed in exactly the right place to be poo...
Do you think it was on purpose?
I think it's time to seriously start the potty training thing. Ugh.

A meme …. oh my!

2007-01-17T18:53:00.000-08:00

As usual ......I'm late to the party and MollyMcMommy over at Seriously??-myvay-jay-jay-Serioulsy?? tagged me with this meme. Honestly I was going to ignore her and refer her to this post I wrote ( back when you all snubbed me and didnt tag me for meme after meme for MONTHS!!) But I like Molly and I think shes hilarious so Im gonna attempt it.

Molly said ...."Very simple meme, take the numbers 1-5 then priceless while matching them up with number type things in your life (you could go to 10 if you want to, I don't feel like it at this particular moment in time). Simple? You betcha, as simple as Britney Spears :)" And unlike over at Miss IAI's place, I will be keeping my panties on ... you can thank me later.

1.... is the number of moving van's im allowing for this great move to Washington. It is only 16ft long. Thats what I am going to attempt to stuff full of 7 peoples worldly possessions. I know, don't say it.

2.... is the number of weekends I am devoting to "THE GARAGE SALE/MOVING SALE OF THE CENTURY" Seriously! the kids better hide their favorite toys cuz I'm getting rid of everything!! Come over the first couple weekends in February and make some great deals!! I'll make coffee and we can have some laughs, while I clean up! hehehe

3....is the number of different schools all the kids attend. And they all start at different times! What kinda shit is that? All 3 in the same school district and not one of those smart people thought to contact each other and sync up their start times? Wtf ? Our house is like a freakin zoo in the morning! We wont get in to who is a big grouch in the morning (dick) and who drags their feet (missy) or who always misses the bus (ant) or who runs out the door without all their stuff 3 out of 5 mornings (mister) or who is late to work most days (mom) ughh!

4....is the number of loads of laundry I get to fold before I go to bed. Im lucky enough that Dick washed them. Can't any of these people around here re-wear their clothes? We do 4 loads A DAY!! Four is also the first number in my electric bill every month! Yes its over $400 bucks at least every single month! Is that crazy or what?

5....is the number of complete weeks I have left of work. 5 weeks and I'm leaving the best job I've ever had, for a chance at a new life in a place I've always wanted to live. It will be so hard to leave the people I work with. I consider a few of them among the best friends I've ever made in my life. I ask myself at least 5 times a day if Ive lost my mind or what?

but the number of awesome, hilarious, incredibly intelligent, classy, amazing, fantastic, wonderful friends who's blogs I've been reading this past year .... PRICELESS!!

Whew ... now I get to tag some helpless victims .... so I choose, my friends bananas, factor10, pendullum, and hearts !!

I was thinking

2007-01-05T18:54:00.000-08:00

When I was little holidays were a magical time that I looked forward to with tremendous joy and anticipation

Mom and Dad would pack the the family up and we would travel at holiday time to visit family that we hadn't seen all year long. Usually it involved a long car ride, stays in hotels and long treks through several airports. The week leading up to a holiday I would tug my suitcase from the closet and fill it with my most important treasures. Barbie and Skipper would be packed first, then all their little outfits and shoes. I don't remember packing Ken or the pets.

I was such a smart child.

Next, I would sit at my dresser and look through my jewelry box of trinkets and decide which things I should take just in case I never made it back home. At a very young age I had this unrelenting sense of impending doom. I meticulously plotted out my escape plan so if, suddenly, aliens invaded earth and sucked up my parents olds-mobile, I had a fighting chance to survive and save the world. If the airplane crashed on a deserted island, I wouldn't be bored because I had thought ahead and brought my entire collection of Nancy Drew mysteries.

Ok! So I was a bit of a drama queen. See what a love of books does to a young mind?

It has been several years since I've done any traveling, especially around the holidays. When I was married to the Ex, we had the Christmas holidays split in two. His Moms house on Christmas eve, where we would drink a couple of margaritas and eat way too much and open presents with 30 people crowded around the tree in the tiny living room. Then, because my family has always lived down the street, they were close enough to spend half of the day with on Christmas morning. We would have brunch with my parents and watch the kids do round 3 on the presents. Round 2 having been done at the ungodly hour of 5:30 AM before we left for Mom and Dads. Around noon we would pack the kids up and go home for a nap before every one came for dinner that evening.

In the last 5 years I don't think I've slowed down enough to realize just how much I took all of that for granted.

As a child it was an adventure. As an adult I can remember complaining about the trek across town to the MIL's and bitching about the stairs while hauling presents up to my parents apartment. I remember sniping at each other because we were running late, and wrestling kids in to car seats and packing everyone home way past midnight on Christmas eve.

I didn't know I would miss it so much.

Six years ago we got divorced. (very long story and it ended well, we're the best of friends but it still makes me incredibly sad) My father passed away a little over 5 years ago. (and I avoid talking about him because I can't deal with it. I'm not in the least bit over it and that whole subject is for a way different post) But since my father died, my Mom has lived in the same apartment where they lived and managed the 120 unit complex for thirteen years. My mother is 81 and has worked her entire life . (again that is another subject for a different kind of post) sorry ...I'm rambling, I'll get to the point...

This year right before Christmas on the 19th of December, my Mother packed up and loaded a U-haul truck with all of her favorite things and she moved off to the Olympic Peninsula in Washington State. She has moved close to her 90 year old sister and my best friend who also happens-to-be-my cousin whom I adore. It's only 15 hours north of here, but it seemed like so much further on Christmas morning. I sent a big basket of flowers and all my love and I wanted so much to be in both places this year.

Actually I wanted to go back in time...

Since that isn't possible, and it's not a good idea to do too much more reflection, after all it is a new year we should look ahead!! Dick and I decided it was time to move to Port Angeles, Washington. It's been a dream of mine for years and years...

Coincidentally, it's right down the road from Mom.

I know it sounds crazy but I'm tired of the busy stressed out life in Northern California and I've longed to raise my kids in a place similar to how I grew up. Because believe me, I was a lucky kid, life in Cold Bay Alaska, Juneau, Sitka, Fairbanks, and a few years on Wake Island, Guam, the experiences and the feelings of belonging in a small town... okay thats another post too....

Don't you love it when a well thought out plan comes together?

2007!

2007-01-01T09:38:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year everyone!

Sins of the Mother person

2006-12-22T19:55:00.000-08:00

It was inevitable.

Mister, my sweet soft-hearted 10 year old dreamer and fantasizer doesn't believe in Santa Claus anymore.

As he handed over his latest lost tooth, I was heartbroken when I heard his teasing, sing-song voice as he 'educated' his 7 year old nephew Ant, "There isn't no Toof Fairy and no Santa Clause neither." Cringing, my first instinct was to correct his grammar. I managed a small "Isn't any honey....." but my heart fell as I realised that he is growing up. His view of the world thru the excited innocent eyes of a true believer....were over.

What am I going to do?

Should I make him to watch all the versions of 'Miracle on 34th Street' with me?

Force him to take the Tooth Fairy seriously! ( I have the movie "Toothless" with Kirstie Alley as the tooth fairy as backup on this )

How about a movie marathon with 'The Santa Clause 1, 2 and 3 ???

I turned on them both and blurted out... "Well if you don't believe in the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus then you wont miss the dollar bills under your pillows or the big Santa presents under the tree will you?"

I should be so ashamed of myself.

They stood staring at me speechless... discussed it among themselves and Mister says, "Ok, I believe in Santa Claus but I know the Tooth Fairy is really you because I always get the money for my tooth on fridays when you get paid."

Now I'm not sure if I'm ashamed because I sucked at the Tooth Fairy job, or relieved because Santa got a reprieve.

We're going to have to be veryyyy veryyy careful this Christmas Eve...

I think we're being watched.

Bahh Humbug & the real meaning of Christmas

2006-12-16T10:24:00.000-08:00

I'll make my excuses short...

It's CHRISTMAS TIME!

No I'm not even close to being done with my shopping! We drug the tree in last night and its still sitting bare in the living room... well except for the lonely angel sitting on top. And I'm sitting in my office while BT naps upstairs, and I'm smoking at my desk (with the window open! dont bitch!) instead of decorating the livingroom.

Yep, we've had colds and the flu and dentists and appointments and its been so hectic with all the kids schedules and all that I haven't had time to keep up with my friends blogs and I haven't been posting *sigh*

I missed the auction for Her Bad Mother ....some very wonderful people took to heart the true meaning of the season. Giving to others. They arranged an auction to benefit a lovely little boy named Tanner ... Her Bad Mother's nephew. I know I'm late but please if you have it in your heart this season to donate to a wonderful cause please click the button bellow and make a donation.

I've spent a lot of time in the hazy rememberings of my childhood lately.... reflecting on my life, the choices i've made. I guess you could call it examining. I think regret is truly the worst feeling, it is such a painful emotion. As much as guilt is a wasted emotion. The "if only's" painfully squeeze your heart and steal your breath if you will let them. I believe Maya Angelou said "When you know better ... you do better" And that is what I hold on to, it's my new mantra.

The responsibility of it all is overwhelming.

No longer can I parent without a conscience.

Shit.

Responsible parenting has become more and more of an issue with me over the last few years. Yeah DUH! youre thinking .... you have 5 kids!! But honestly when I was younger my ideas and thoughts were so different from the things I embrace and believe in now it honestly amazes even me!

So, I was looking for an opportunity to teach the kids that Christmas isn't all about what you can get.

I am striving to teach them some empathy, to realize how well off they are, and how just taking a little of your time and effort you can make the world a better place. I don't want to raise another generation of kids who feel entitled to it all. I want to raise children who believe they can change the world and improve it, one thoughtful, caring gesture at a time.

So yes, I plan on introducing them to Tanner. Encouraging them to write him letters and get involved. Will it likely break their hearts and mine in the unforseeable future?

Yes.

Who wouldn't be touched by such a courageous little boy! But in order to actually raise human beings that care about one another, you can't just sit back and rage against the injustices and hope for the best. So I will tell them Tanner's story, we will expain about the horrible disease he lives with, and we will share the links to his pictures. Then we will write letters together and we will add Tanner to our prayers. Right along with Grandpa and their baby brother who is an angel in heaven.

AND as noble as that all sounds, I don't think that is quite enough either.

I want my kids to have to work at it! I want them to feel what it is like to give of themselves. Put some effort in to it. Isn't that an important lesson too? Isn't it better that we get involved and do something together? How do you teach them all this?

No, don't worry I didn't sign the kids up to the peace corp or anything.

But what I am going to do is bake for the local firehouse.

With the help of a few really good friends, I hope to turn my kitchen in to Christmas Baking Central this thursday. I know I know ... it isn't slaving away in a soup kitchen, and it isn't spending a lot of money, but the kids can take some Christmas fudge and cookies to the firemen who helped us when Grandpa died. They can bake them and decorate them with love, because I think THAT is something they can do together ... something I hope will become a tradition for them. Something they can share with their children. Spending a little time to give to someone deserving in your community. People who give tirelessly to others for the good of the community.

Sometimes it's just the little things...and it may mean the world to someone .... you never know!

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you have a safe and fantastic Christmas filled with joy.

With lots of Love

Kim

all you ever wanted to know

2006-12-04T08:56:00.000-08:00

Lately I've had a really hard time finding time to sit down long enough to post anything. There are tons of things I want to write about. I have whole pages I want to write about parental expectations, responsibilities while growing up, enabling as a lifestyle, but since I suffer from procrastination and ADD and PMS and CRS (can't remember shit) you're going to get a post updating you on my life AND because I do really like you guys... a cute picture of BT. Are you all lucky or what?

So for those of you that remember my oldest son (25) and his girlfriend moved in with us at the end of summer.... it really didnt work out too well. There were many arguements and disagreements... that led to the unhappy moving out of both parties. My lesson learned.... you can't go back and re-raise a kid, when you screw up, it has to be undone by a qualified professional :)

The house is fantastic and we love all the space, unfortunately we still have enough crap in the garage for a block sale and we havent once been able to park a car in it. But on the bright side when we did Thanksgiving for 20, there was enough room for everyone to hang out all day and have a good time. Even if the oven did go out the day before and we had to rush the turkey across town to a vacant working oven at 7am.

Last week I was living in denial that I needed to make a trip to the dreaded dentist. I admit it ...Im a big baby when it comes to this stuff, I am a professional excuse maker. But by wednesday it was obvious even to me that I was going to either blow my own head off to relieve the pain or willingly trek over to the dentist office and open up. My lesson learned ... putting off the enevitable results in a large perscription of vicoden :) im sooo smart.

This weekend we were blessed with an empty-kidless house. This doesnt happen often since the birth of BabyTerror. The ex had the older kids, and a great friend (who obviously loves me) asked for BT. Yes I said asked. Yesssss she emailed me and asked if she could have him for the weekend! We of course broke a land speed record on getting him packed up and delivered to her house on Saturday morning. We spent the whole weekend having wild tantric crazy sex in every room of the house. Ok I lied.... but we did have chinese food and a nap and in the book I'm reading she had crazy hot romantic sex and I was happy for her *sigh*

Alrighty, here is the promised picture. My little angel/devil. This Christmas season has been so much fun just because hes with us, nothing gives you the spirit like a little one that screams WOWWWW LIGHTS! each time he sees a house that is decorated. I cant wait to see what happens to the tree when we put it up this next weekend!

Makes ya wanna run out and procreate doesnt it ?

Not So Secret Santa

2006-11-24T07:13:00.000-08:00

I remember watching a news story on "Secret Santa" a couple years back and thinking how wonderful it must be for him to be able to make so many people happy on Christmas. For 26 years no one knew who he was nor why he was giving away money, all they knew was he brought tears and hope to many people in need at a time when they couldn't possibly have needed it more.

Sadly, this wonderful man has contracted cancer. He is sharing his story with others in the hopes someone will carry on in his place. Please take time out this wonderful long Thanksgiving weekend to read about Larry Stewart. Then, possibly, say a prayer or two for one of the good guys.

it’s too late

2006-11-18T18:10:00.000-08:00

The other day I was reading blogs and it became clear to me that I have been left out.

I know! I was crushed when I first realized. At first I thought it was an oversight or that for sure "my turn" was just around the corner.

Time after time, month after month, I would come across yet another "blogging buddy" that purposely ommited me from that 'inner circle'.

Now I know what youre thinking... Oh what can I do to make this up to her! I never knew she would figure it out! I cant believe this has happened!!

Dont even try it!

I have managed to make it thru the blogging world without being tagged for one ...not ONEEE MeMe

Yep, its true, None of you felt the need to know what '10 songs I wanted played at my funeral', or my '10 secrets no one knows about me'. Not one of you tagged me to tell '100 things about me', or the '20 things I hate'.

No really its too late, don't even think about it! It would be a pity tag... and we both know I deserve better.

So anyway, what I found while I was surfing is this cute tag that this blogger cleverly put out there for ALL people that felt like participating. And since I'm a big reader ( not that you would know this because I wasnt tagged ) I thought it would be fun to do this book tag.

1. Take the nearest book. One you're currently reading or one thats just laying near by.
2. Open the book to page 135.
3. Find the 8th sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 4 to 5 sentences on your Blog along with these instructions.
5. Don't go looking for a "hip" or "impressive" book on the bookshelf, thats cheating!
6. Anyone can play don't wait to be tagged!

If he had a weapon he would have slain Truda where she knelt, Rolf Fairplay thought angrily. Instead he said, "I do indeed have another woman with my caravan, my lord. She is on consignment for one of the Coastal Kings from my cousin, Gaius Prospero." He smiled a quick smile, but his eyes were cold and cautious.

Ok I admit it. I was reading a bodice-ripper! I read smut. I read almost anything actually. But I have enjoyed Bertrice Small in the past and this new series of hers Lara - Book One of the World of Hetar was given to me by my cousin.

I should be reading recipes for Thanksgiving .... ugh!

news flash

2006-11-14T12:35:00.000-08:00

I know this is going to sound weird ....anal even

I miss my dark blogspot page, this just doesnt seem like home and Im finding it hard to write about anything.

Its quite possible I'm nutso

its coming!

2006-11-12T06:04:00.000-08:00

I love how suddenly Christmas is competing with Halloween. Corporate America can't even wait for Thanksgiving anymore! I know I shouldn't be surprised but jeezzzzzzzzz I am so not ready for the holidays already. I was watching TV the other day and saw a commmercial for Macy's trying to sell me on the fact that their Veteran's Day Sale was something that couldn't be missed so that I could "Get a jump on the holiday shopping!" Isn't that thoughtful of them?? And just for fun lets see ...

What Crappy Christmas Gift are you??

You Are Socks!

Cozy and warm... but easily lost. You make a good puppet.

I figured I would do my part and let you know its only

42 41 DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS!!

can you feel it ?

2006-11-07T19:07:00.000-08:00

I knew it !! I could just feel that the world had tilted slightly and the universe was trying to correct itself.

It was the little things at first ....Whitney left Bobby.

Then Britney came to her senses

And then tonight ... the democrats kicked ass! Finally!!

But it still pisses me off that the best Democratic candidate for Governor we could come up with was Phil Angelides... what the hell is that? I hope ya'll voted so you can bitch with me for the next two years! While I was out reading blogs I love to read, I thought I'd share 'i obsess'. She is fantastic! Gotta love a woman with an opinion who isn't afraid to share it!!

And now for the entertainment portion of the post, I promised ms heartinsanfrancisco a halloween picture and ta da!

Yes, This is how my teenager went to not ONE but TWO halloween parties this year!

The ex actually paid for it and helped decide whether he should be Michaelangelo or Donatello.

A 6ft 4 inch tall Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

He says the chicks loved it and he got lots of treats.

I'm so proud of this kid, I can't even tell you...

it’s a new day

2006-11-04T07:13:00.000-08:00

When I started this blog I wasn't sure what the hell I would write about. I don't think I'm particularly interesting, honestly...my life is pretty hectic and overwhelming and slightly out of control... but in a boring kinda way? So, I tried to share the highlights in stories, after all ya dont want to bore the shit out of anyone who actually READS your crap do ya?

But that wasn't working for me, it didn't make me feel... umm connected? purged? I don't know the correct term, but anyway ... I think I'm just going to ramble on like a 14 yr old with a new diary and see if I can put the fun back in to this whole blogging thing for me. I was bored to shit with myself. And don't bitch about my grammar or punctuation either... I'm on the freakin edge!

This Christina Aguilera video/song, "Hurt" is fuckin awesome! (Yeah I really talk like that) That chicky is really talented, and I like the fact she never bothered with the "im a good girl" bullshit ....and she had the whole 'No im not BritNay or Jessica deal with it' attitude when she started out. This song really does it for me... my life set to music ... thats what your'e all in for now. Now you're going to get more details than you know what to do with.

It's very grey today here in sunny California ...I'm supposed to be working, I have a 3 ft stack of paperwork next to my desk. I actually didn't have to work today, but I really was behind and I'm trying to escape my family. How rude of me huh? My mother is determined to have a garage sale in my garage. She's moving to Washington next month and retiring, finally. Shes been directing my brother and ordering him around like a Saint Bernard and I just couldn't stand to watch it anymore, sooo I ran to my office downtown. I used to feel guilty for that kinda shit, but not now. I love them ... I do. But lately I find I'm more and more fed up with all their crap. Mom is 82 and needs to let my brother off of his leash. He needs to grow some nads and jump out of the nest. Fly boy ....be freeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I want people to start accepting responsibility for themselves and suck it UP! Is that too much to ask ?????

it’s all temporary

2006-11-01T19:46:00.000-08:00

Ok, I hate this one but Im dead tired and I fixed some of the features so you can at least comment .... I think ? The foo foo stuff has to go but for now ya'll are stuck with it. I miss my little corner of google hell already *sniffles*

Guess who was here in town today!!! BILL CLINTON!!

I know I know! But hes charming and he's got that little something .....charisma, that's what it is ....theres just something about him that makes you wanna throw him up against a wall and kiss him hard.

And he gets better with age too ... and I like what he has to say, I don't remember liking him this much when he was President!?!?!?

This election is getting to me, I'm sick of listening to people slam each other and the propositions have my head swimming with lies and data, ANDDDD I didn't apply for that damn absentee ballot again DAMNIT!!

Heres the story…

2006-10-13T17:03:00.000-07:00

I remember rushing through dinner dishes and sitting down to watch how this happy couple, just happened to fall in love the second time around. They moved all their kids in to this huge house and solved every issue with patience and love and understanding. If the kids argued and fought over something ....perfect Mom Carol was there to step in and set it right. If the kids did something they shouldn't, good ole Alice always seemed to find out about it and with her help, it was worked out so that the kids learned a valuable lesson and peace was restored to the wonderful new little family. Dad worked all day and when he got home, every issue could be solved by sitting down and talking it all through as a family. He was kind and patient, and the kids listened to his advice and respected his authority. Inevitably, there were many hugs and mussings of the hair ... as everyone ran off to play harmoniously in the perfectly manicured back yard as the sun set. I watched this show as a teenager and thought to myself.... Ohhhh, when I grow up Im going to have six kids and it's going to be so much fun!! I'll be just like perfect little housewife Carol, I'll stay home like a good wife and braid the girls hair for school and when the kids come home I can play baseball with the boys. After dinner that miraculously appears on the table, we will sit around the table and talk about our day. It will be like heaven. Yeah ... Right. Our house is so far from this cozy little scene it isn't even funny. First off there is no Alice. Damnit. IF there was an Alice, the kids would eat dinner before 8pm and my kitchen wouldn't look like this...

If I had Alice, she totally would have caught BT before he decorated the hall wall in orange crayon. If I was more like Carol, I wouldn't have screamed up the stairs this morning for Dick to shut the hell up and if he was more like Mike he wouldn't have slammed the bedroom door. Maybe we need to watch re-runs on Nick at Night and pick up some Brady like behaviors.

shades of blue

2006-10-05T10:15:00.000-07:00

I've had the blues and the blahs...
Maybe its the good-bye-summer-blues?
No.
I hate summer.
I'm definitely not a summer girl.
Give me thunder storms and rainy overcast days ...and I'm in heaven. To me there is nothing better than puttering around the house in sweats and trying out new crock-pot recipies or baking something incredibly sinful. Except .... laying on the couch with a fuzzy blanket and a good book. Ahhhh .....truly orgasmic :)

I wanted to thank all of you for being so supportive. All the comments you left, full of love and support really touched my heart. September was a hard month for me, and it means a lot to me that you all still come back for more even when I'm depressing as hell lol

I promised more details on all the good news and stuff when we moved and settled in. So hereÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s a few little newsworthy items....

Darling, the oldest son, is out of rehab and doing wonderful. He and his girlfriend Ashleybaby both moved in with us when we made the big move. Temporarily :) It is nice to have them around, when they aren't arguing. God was I ever really that young? *sigh*

Baby Terror has moved on to a whole new level of terrorisim. Prolonged emotional torture. He is soooo 2. He can be the most adorable, sweet, loving child one minute and the next a screaming ball of fury. Tell him no and he throws himself to the floor, take something away from him and he runs face first in to the wall or door.
He's getting a crash helmet for Halloween and going as a football player.
Errol Flynn didn't have anything on this baby. This baby can do stunts like a swashbuckler with a dramatic flair that should grace the stage.
He actually threw himself half way down the staircase and laid in a heap at the bottom waiting for someone to cry and run over to help him.
The whole while he was sneaking peeks to see what we were going to do.

I do believe if I would have had this baby first, he would be an only child.

Judging by the number of kids in the driveway when I came home from work yesterday, I would say the kids have made some friends, the new schools are working out ...even though the first couple weeks my poor angels looked ready to run, crying, back to the familiar old neighborhood grade school and friends they grew up with.

And the last little bit of goodness... A financial benefactor/wizard decided to invest in our company. Dick, the computer guru and mastermind of the internet, who started our own little business online, has an investor! After all the paper work was signed and the last t crossed, we were partners in crime. Ok not crime. I was teasing! Hopefully it pays LIKE crime and SOON.... so I can afford that house on the beach in Hawaii, and for those sunrise Tai Chi classes with my friend Jen on the beach!

*Wanders off dreaming* I'll host a blogging party around the pool .....

****** A late addition ******

Ok Ok ... I forgot I promised pics, heres some links to pictures of the new house :)

www.postmeasecret.com/house1.jpg
www.postmeasecret.com/house2.jpg
www.postmeasecret.com/house3.jpg

Blame Christina and Carmachu for the quality cuz I was in a big hurry!!

Call to Action

2006-09-22T05:36:00.000-07:00

About a week or two ago, I was reading and catching up on all the blogs I love, when I came across this article on Mom-101's site. She and Her Bad Mother had been invited to the Greenstone Media cocktail party to rub shoulders with the likes of Gloria Steinem, Jane Fonda and if I'm not mistaken Dee Snider the lead singer of Twisted Sister? I hung on every word and stayed up way past my bedtime going from one link to another to get all the juicy details.
While I was growing up in the 70's there wasnt any bigger name than Gloria Steinem's as far as womens rights went. I admired her guts and attitude and in part I'm sure shes to blame for my outspokeness and activist heart.

The call to bloggers wasn't lost on me ... I just wasn't sure I could do another emotional post this month. It is emotionally draining for me to write the posts that are near and dear to my heart.
Also, there are so many good causes and although it is hard to single out just one ... I chose

The National Suicide Prevention Hotline.

Back in February of this year a close friend and the mother of my grandson, Shelby, committed suicide. Shelby had so many wonderful qualities and like so many others she couldnt see them in herself. After years of drug abuse and painful trips thru rehab she had finally stayed clean and sober for over a year. Her children and friends were proud of her, we all were. Unfortunately, Shelby saw life as a struggle and she had so many demons and secrets that she couldn't face the people that loved her anymore. Will we ever know what drove her to to end her life? Probably not ... but what I will always wonder, what will always haunt me is....shouldn't I have seen the signs? Is there something I could have said or done that would have changed her mind? I was one of the last people to see Shelby just a few hours before she died... why didn't I see the signs?

This life shattering event is one of the things that led me to this wonderful world of bloggers. I needed an outlet... and after reading quite a few blogs and stalking, errrr lurking in the background of some of the more wonderfully written blogs like Kevin Charnas, Suburban Turmoil and Izzymom, I started my own. At about the same time I was starting a website called Post Me a Secret. I started it with Shelby in mind. I wanted people who were tortured by the secrets they kept inside to be able to get them out. Maybe if they spilled the secrets that kept them in that dark place.. and in that vicious cycle of depression, they could move on with their lives. One of the proudest moments of my life came when I received an email from the National Suicide Prevention Hotline thanking me for refering over 100 people to their services from the Post Me a Secret website. It had only been online for 2 months.

Please if you know anyone that suffers from depression or past drug abuse, someone who isnt quite acting like themselves, someone who is exceptionally sad and withdrawn, please direct them to someone who can talk them thru their feelings. Someone that can give them hope. People who know from experience.
Call 1-800-273-TALK or contact http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

I lost my best friend

2006-09-13T05:18:00.000-07:00

No, I don't mean she died, not physically anyway....

I mean the kind of lost as in .......when someone pulls away from you. Just withdraws slowly inside themselves and cuts you out of their daily life.

I feel helpless to stop it and I've tried all the tactics one uses with friends to get their attention. I used guilt and whined a little, I tried patience and indifference, I tried loving reassuring messages, I tired everything I can think of.

Before you get all pissed at her, my loyal blogging buddies... let me explain...

My best friend ...Buggy, as I call her, lost her 17 year old daughter to viral menengitis a year ago this September.
As if that isn't traumatic enough, she died on Buggy's birthday. The previous year her Mother died the same week of September.

Wait .....
it gets worse ..... Bug is an intensive care nurse and she couldn't save her own daughter.

Is there anything that can make you feel more helpless and horrible than being in this position?
No matter how many people tell you that there was nothing you could do, that you can't possibly blame yourself.... that is exactly what you do. Only you stop voicing it. You stop connecting with people. You stop giving them an opening to have a conversation with you about anything, because it might come up unexpectedley. Sympathy is something you can't stomach, it hurts too much, and besides that you don't truly deserve it... because somehow this is all your fault.

I only imagine thats how she feels.... because she won't tell me. It's how I would feel ... or how I imagine most Mothers would feel in this kind of position.

When Buggy and I first met we weren't sure we would like each other. We both had similar attitudes and smart-assy sarcastic wit. Neither of us were hip on having a girl for a friend. We both had serious trust issues, the same taste in men, the same "lead with your heart and make them laugh" kinda style.
It wasn't long before we were like peanut & butter, like ice cream and chocolate fudge, like coffee and hazlenut cream, errrr ok ...you get the picture.
We we're as close as sisters and more. I've laughed more with this woman than anyone else in my life. And now we can't laugh at all.
Sometimes we would sit on the phone for hours and hours and talk about the silly stuff on T.V. or how boring the day was, what the husband did to make it to idiot status today, it didnt matter what the subject. We knew all each others deep dark secrets, there wasn't anything we kept from each other for long. I thought it would always be that way.

At first it was painful to listen to her cry endlessly and not know what words to use to comfort her. But at least she needed me and I felt like I was helping and of some use.
It is worse not talking to her at all. I know this isn't about me, but it hurts so much and now I feel like I've lost my best friend and I don't really know why.

Worse ... I don't know how to fix this.

In honor of …

2006-09-09T14:37:00.000-07:00

In honor of ...

Dennis Lawrence Devlin

1950-2001

As part of the September 11th tribute,

2996

started by D. Challener Roe,

I am honored to do my tribute on the

New York City Fire Department's

Batallion Commander,

Dennis L. Devlin

Not only was Mr. Devlin a Commander and a firefighter,

he was a husband, a father,a runner, an avid photographer,

a fantastic friend and a 21st century hero.

Dennis was married for 29 years to his wife Kathleen.

Together they had 4 children, Casey, Katie,

Kerry, and Dennis Jr.

It sounds like I knew Dennis and I feel in a way I do.

I spent hours pouring over archives and weblogs, to find

that he was loved by many and missed by all that knew him.

At 51 it looked to me he was having the time

of his life with his family and friends.

Many posts were dedicated to the fun-loving

man who laughed easily and always had a story to tell.

One friend recalled learning to drive in his

VW bug back in high school,

another reminiscing about their trip to Ireland.

Neighbors fondly rembembered times

around the pool and still others wrote tributes to

the fantastic job he did as one of New York's finest.

I hope that Mr Devlin's family know that they

are all in my prayers, as are all the people touched

by the tragic events of September 11th.

Robert Louis Stevenson

I will always remember...

Bravest hearts of purest courage

In the fear and in the flames.

Noble heroes to be honoured

In our memories carve their names.

Who could run into such danger

When life's sweet and love is true?

Who could die to save a stranger?

Who could live as heroes do?

M. Vassallo

remember…

2006-09-07T17:39:00.000-07:00

who packed this?

2006-09-03T16:21:00.000-07:00

We're in. Barely.

I know, I know, it's been weeks and I should be unpacked and all the pictures hung already.

Somehow this moving thing didn't really go as planned.

I had it all laid out in my head, I had 3 days to pack and organize.
No problem, I used to work in advertising, pressure and deadlines were my specialty!

I didn't get a damn thing done.
I started packing my desk and bookshelves at midnight ... the truck was due to arrive at 7am the next morning.

Im going to have to suck it up and admit that I am a procrastinator. Anyways, I'll deal with that later ... hehe.

I wanted to set fire to the old house and start over.... I was over ruled.

I don't know who packed the kitchen and china cabinet, it's possible we may never find the dishes. My favorite bra is missing. I have one pair of shoes that match. The kids toothbrushes were packed in the box with the spices?

Day 2 of moving, I notice that 2 of the kids are looking pale and warm. Yep, by 10am I had two down with the aches a fever and sore throat. By 5pm 2 more and by morning everyone in the house had the same thing. Thank God we found the sheets, pillows and tylenol.

Hopefully you all are having a lovely Labor Day weekend ...
I do believe we will be unpacking and cleaning for a long time to come... Tell me all your moving horror stories and make me feel better will ya???

Movin on up !

2006-08-23T18:11:00.000-07:00

There is so much to tell you, and not enough time! So much has happened in such a short period of time that I am simply overwhelmed.

More details later .... but for now

We found the perfect house!
It's 6 bedrooms and 3 bathooms and over 3,000 glorious feet of SPACE!
For the next few days it will be a whirlwind of packing and moving.
As you can imagine the kids are all excited about the move and arguing over what room is going to be who's.
All I know is mine is the big one with the jacuzzi tub !

the way it works

2006-08-13T12:55:00.000-07:00

I've had a few requests for me to tell more about the kids and explain how the hierarchy amongst the children works. Of course the rules are very detailed and complex and I will have to dissect it all painstakingly. It is constantly evolving and amazing to watch.

IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢m extremely proud of the kids I've raised. They are sensitive, compassionate and empathetic, energetic, intuitive, and intelligent, and maybe almost as important ...they all have a fantastic sense of humour.

Yes I tend to take credit for that!

Between the ex's sense of humour, which leaned more in the direction of the 3 stooges, and Don Knotts, mine is more of a sarcastic, quick wit with a deadly zing kinda thing.

It makes for some funny damn kids let me tell ya.

The energy these kids have is amazing and the forever changing roles they play on any given day, ranges from the drama majors, to Romeo, superhero's and bad boys.

LetÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s start with the Musical Director position. I donÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t know how it all started but this is how it appears from here now...

Of course this pertains to each and every trip out of the house.

To attain the status of Musical Director, you must be the oldest sibling present and attending the upcoming trip. AND you must lord it over the other siblings at all costs. Taunt them and rub it in that you can "take them." ( this means beat them at wrestling or what ever event is popular at the time, skateboarding, shooting free throws...whatever.)

Yes, this position is synonymous with "riding shotgun," which is vied for way ahead of time, sometimes as far in advance as 2 to 4 hours. It must be reserved the same day for it to be valid.

No one may try and call "shot gun" for say a trip that is to be taken next week. Nor is it to be made so far in advance that it annoys the Mom, or it will be deemed null and void and it may result in you being blocked from your sought after position.

Once you have secured your status (which quite possibly included some bribing, whining, arm twisting and empty promises to the littler ones on future trips ) you head out and revel in your position by practicing looking cool in the front seat.

Most importantly this is all done out of earshot of Mom and only alluded to by the losers in vague references throughout the rest of the trip. You are now Musical Director and it is your duty to then subject everyone in the car ( and surrounding cars ) to your musical choices!

If you are feeling particularly loving and benevolent that day, you play requests and only mimic and ridicule your siblingÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s choices of Pink or Shakira enough for a few laughs. On a bad day this gets ugly quickly.

A very important rule though, is that Mom is all knowing and all powerful, she has the ability to pull the plug and demote you to mere listener with the flick of a wrist :)

Mom's other role here is to educate the flock on what music really is. It is very important to point out a re-mix and who originally did that track. Also, this is an excellent opportunity for you to astound your children with your vast knowledge and experience of the music industry. Who would believe that Mom slept on a sidewalk in Oakland to attend a Day on the Green concert that featured a band called Journey?
Who would have thought that Mom might know who the best guitar player in the world is? Even if everyone simultaneously says "Who?" when you tell them itÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s Eric Clapton.

hit the beach!

2006-08-08T00:34:00.000-07:00

Ok so while Dick was away playing in Florida, ( he called it work but I've seen the pics!!)
He wasn't even out the door and the air conditioner went out and we were all sitting here looking at each other..... sweating.
I called the landlord and he wouldn't return my calls!! WTF is that??? I pay a lot of money for this shoe box we call home!
The sound level was already at a deafening level of bickering and teasing and and as fun as this might sound, I couldn't take it! The whole weekend loomed ahead of us and I knew it would be UGH-LYY if we didn't find something to keep us occupied.

What could be more fun than a road trip with 5 kids ???

Yeah a root canal... but I was brave and I loaded up all the kids in to the gas guzzling SUV and headed out to San Francisco ... my favorite place, the place just does it for me! It's almost as good as the big O! From the minute I hit the San Mateo bridge, all is right with my world. I don't hear the arguing anymore, I have a permanent smile on my face and the kids could have set each other on fire and it would have been perfect!

While driving thru the city, the Musical Director a.k.a the 16 yr old Michael was working the CD player with appropriate city scape music. From Red Jumpsuit Apparatus for the freeway, to Dashboard Confessional's - 'Vindicated' and 'Don't Wait' for Lombard street, and Collective Soul's 'Run' for the crossing of the Golden Gate Bridge. I love that about my life ... It has always been set to music. Back when Darling was a teenager it was all about the Gangsta rap.. Thank GOD the days of him being Musical Director are over.

We wound our way thru Sausilito to Highway 1 and took off toward Muir Woods Beach. It was a gorgeous day and the kids peeled off their clothes and went body surfing and played wave tag. Mom got to sit in the sun and read her book and decompress. It was pure heaven.

At sunset we packed up and headed for the hotel. We checked in and ordered pizza to be delivered while BT jumped from bed to bed. Believe me this was entirely possible because I KNOW we had the smallest sqaure footage double room the Ramada had to offer. After the baths and the unpacking and the great munch-out it didnt take long for everyone to pass out.
As I looked around the room at all the dreaming, smiling, sleeping faces, I knew two things for sure... I was the luckiest Mom alive and the maid would NEVER get all the sand out of that room!

I’m one of those!!

2006-07-30T07:03:00.000-07:00

You all know who I'm talking about.

One of those selfish bitches for who life revolves around them. You know the kind, the ones who think their birthday should coincide with a national holiday and she should celebrate it for an entire week?!?!? The kind who thinks everyone should buy presents every day until she sees fireworks??

And apparently not only am I self centered, I'm BLIND! Some people would see mail containing a card addressed to their husband from a relative as some kind of sign that some event or celebration is approaching.
Some might notice that he brought a balloon home from work, or that he was receiving emails titled "Another year older" or "Celebrate in Style"

Not meeeeee! I blew off all the signs and somehow it totally escaped me that Dick had a birthday yesterday. He didn't say anything, he didn't make me feel guilty. He even patted my hand and said "Don't worry honey, you've been under a lot of stress lately."
Which somehow makes it worse, you know what I mean?

Now I want to do something nice and memorable for him .... HELPPPP MEEEE! What should I do to make it up to him??

Thank you’s

2006-07-27T04:31:00.000-07:00

When I posted about my Son I was suffocating from the overwhelming feelings of love and despair you feel when a loved one feels out of reach, in a place where you can't connect or make a difference. The pain is incredible as some of you know only too well.

Tuesday night we had a bit of an intervention at our house and it turned out much better than I ever hoped for. After almost 3 years on the roller coaster of drugs, my Son actually asked for help and accepted it and has entered a long term rehabilitation facility.

While I really didn't intend to air all our dirty laundry in public, in a very emotional moment ...
I did.
I was very touched by the comments from my blogger friends I've made here. I hope each and every one of you know how much I appreciate your thoughts and kind comments and well wishes. It gave me strength and courage and I can never thank you all enough

Kim

my baby

2006-07-24T06:25:00.000-07:00

I remember all the firsts...

the tiny butterfly flutters when I was first pregnant
the kicks as you grew bigger every day
the day you were born and I first heard you cry
the first time you smiled at me
the day you recognized my voice
the day you rolled over
the agonizing days in NICU when you were deathly ill, allergic to everything
when you decided to walk instead of crawl
when you ran instead of walking

I remember the little things...

like how sweet and patient and thoughtful you were as a toddler
when your kitten scratched you and you forgave him for making you sick
the first day of pre-school and you weren't shy
your kindegarden class where you learned french and I was amazed
you broke your arm and you insisted it was fine so you could keep playing
every baseball game you played even if you warmed the bench

Sadly I know...

you've lost your way
you need more help than I can give
you have no respect for anyone including yourself
you lie compulsively

you are a drug addict

the great hunt

2006-07-22T01:28:00.000-07:00

We have been house hunting.

Let me give you a little background information here first.

4 yrs ago I was recently divorced with 3 children who had been all sharing a two bedroom apartment with me for about a year. This place was like heaven... it had all the things kids needed.

Room for their basketball hoop and a refridgerator.

I really loved the light hardwood floors throughout the downstairs, the neighbors were all so friendly and it was 2 blocks from the kids school! And it belonged to a Home Owners Association so the neighbors couldn't paint the house purple or park their cars on the lawn. How could it get any better ? yessss i've learned not to ask stupid questions like that

When the nice little old lady Betty wandered down the street and brought me a plant and ooohhh'd and ahhhh'd over the color we had choosen for the living room, I thought .. this is lovely, what a nice neighborhood *key eerie music track*

Fast Forward 4 years

Driving home from picking up Baby Terror and a trip to the grocery store

Dick: Theres that little old bitch Betty crossing the street ... I should floor it and run her over while we have the chance!

Me: Nooooooooo! You would make a mess and the street sweeper isnt scheduled till next week!

Dick: Look at our lawn! There are backpacks and books and icecream wrappers everywhere! You would think those kids didn't know what a garbage can looks like!

Me: Honey all the kids sit there after school because the Ice Cream man waits there on the corner when school gets out. Im sure they will come back for their things when their mothers ask for their backpacks and school work, don't worry.

Dick: What is that envelope on the door?

Me: It looks like another citation by the Home Owners Association! What the hell could they have found to complain about this time? They aren't going to tow the car again are they??

Dick: *grumbling* It says that the satellite dish is barely visible from the front of the house and we need to relocate it or they will fine us $250 a day!

Me: Greaaat, we don't get reception because of the pine tree on the other side of the house.

Que 5 bickering children

Missy: You left all your dirty clothes on the floor in my room again Ant, you need your own room!!
Mister: *hopping up and down* Who's in the bathroooommmm? Im going to wet my pants!
Ant: At least I didn't put my wet bathing suit on YOUR bed like you did to mine!!
Michael: Im trying to watch this program ! Can you guys keep it down?
Missy: Michaelllllll it's my turn to watch something... MOMMMMMM
BT: cars carssss CARS!!
Michael: he doesn't want the race track put up in here again does he mom ?
BT: CARS!!

So as you can see, things have changed a bit around here and a MUCH bigger place is called for.
Maybe one with an extra bedroom or two, with a family room and 2 full bathrooms?
One without a homeowners association....

Is it too much to hope for ?

conversation with a 16 yr old

2006-07-16T06:09:00.000-07:00

Him: Mom what are you doing?

Me: Nothing much, updating the advertising spots on Post Me A Secret

Him: Really? What are you advertising?

Me: A great textbook site Phat Campus that has cheap textbooks for sale and they buy used ones too ... tell all your college friends :)

Him: What else ya got?

Me: Links to a neat on line photo store, dotPhoto and travel discounts Site59.

Him: Boringgggg ... what else?

Me: Well the new ones I just added were for phone toys, you know wall papers and games and junk for your cell phone, and then a link to Spencer's.

Him: Ohhhh thats cool! I've been to Spencer's.

Me: Really with who? ( not remembering a time that we went together )

Him: ummm ya ... they have some pretty sick stuff

Me: yeah I guess ( puzzled look and remembering sick means pretty cool ) I really like their lava lamps and they have neat cards.

Him: yeah and dildo's and edible panties too

Me: ( stunned silence ) WHAT !?!?!?!?!?!?

I’ll miss you kitty ….

2006-07-14T02:38:00.000-07:00

When I first started this blog, I was in awe of the people that I read, and I still am.

One of the people whose writing I fell in love with was Admiral Pooper.

So this morning when I trotted merrily over to his place to see what he was up to, I wasn't prepared for the overwhelming sadness I would feel when I read that he was no longer going to be posting on his blog.

Im broken hearted and feeling very selfish because I don't want him to go, although I truly do understand.

So.......Cheers to one of my favorite scratching spots...... Used Kitty Litter and I hope that the Admiral is surrounded by love and family and he knows how much his presence here has meant to all of us.

the coach from hell

2006-07-09T13:31:00.000-07:00

Since the kids came home this past weekend, it has been a whirlwind of unpacking, kisses & hugs, washing laundry, grocery shopping, basketball games and the inevitable bickering and arguing that is just as necessary as breathing. Good GOD I'm glad they're all home!

It was only 104 here on Saturday and I thought to myself ... what a perfect day to load up the kids and BT and go to the middle school gym, you know the one ....the one without air conditioning and proper ventilation ...the one that is overfilled with sweaty pre-teens and over ripe parents that dont know they sell deodorant at the grocery store... yeah that gym... woohooo!

For some reason only known to the maintenace workers at the gym we only pull out one row of bleachers, and no not the bottom one either ... the one that makes you hoist your ass up without aide of a bottom step. So I heave my ass up on the bleachers with as much dignity as I can muster, trying to look cool so as not to embarrass Missy in front of her friends and settle in for 36 minutes of sweltering good parenting.
This is our first game of this summer season and we Moms are getting reaquainted .... the kids are warming up and we are all chatting back and forth when we hear a loud raised voice .... "NOOoooOOOo Jessica! Not like that!! Can't you remember what I told you less that 2 minutes ago!!" Looking across the gym we determine that the person yelling is indeed the coach of the other team during warm-up. Hmmm.... I don't think I like the tone of that, but of course he is probably just caving in to the heat and the pressure of the 12 year old girls basketball scene... after all this is almost the WBA . The game starts and the guy continues yelling at the girls ....just miscellaneous little tidbits of information that coaches tend to interject, but he is doing it rather loudly and forcefully. After about 2 minutes of play, he motions to a referee and argues about some rule he felt wasn't being inforced... he does it again about 2 minutes later. By this time we Moms from the other team are looking down the bleachers and wondering how the parents of his team members are going to take this. Nothing out of the ordinary. Hmmmm ... we go back to watching the game. Each team makes a couple baskets and one of our girls steals the ball and runs back for another 2 points. I notice that CrazyCoach is getting more and more agitated. Our girls make another couple baskets and he's really getting worked up... stomping back and forth .. finally a bell, a little repreive ... the kids huddle up with their coach and the other team drags feet over to their bench. CrazyCoach goes in to example mode... he has one of the girls try and knock him over, another try and push him out of the way, still another elbow him and push him backwards.
The game buzzer sounds and they troop back on to the court. Everything starts out normally and one of our girls catches the ball on a rebound and off she runs towards her 2 points of fame! Suddenly CrazyCoach screams out "GET #10 ...GET HER ...... DONT LET HER SCORE ..... FOUL HER ..... F O U L H E R!!
Excuse me ?!?!?! Have you lost your fucking mind? Just then the girls all collide and begin fighting over possession of the ball ...One of the girls goes down pretty hard, all in a tangle of arms and legs all the while still trying to hold on. Im holding my breath and my temper... What in the hell is wrong with this picture? Who the hell is this coach from hell ? The referee helps a couple of girls up and the game continues. Sitting next to me is the mother of a friend of Missy's ... we look at each other in total shock. "Did you just hear him scream that?" I ask ... "Yep I sure did" she responds.... "I don't know about you but if one of those girls gets hurt out there Im gonna go kick his ass"... I say. "Im right behind you if I dont climb over you to get him "says the friends Mom. Again, we lean out to look down the bench ...expecting to see righteously indignant parents, people whispering to each other, a pissed off Dad.... something. But no... no one seems to be reacting as we are.
Is this the way Coaches are supposed to behave? Is this what we signed up for when we paid our $$ for the league? I realise they are all volunteers, but is this what kind of influence we want for our girls? Win at all costs and play dirty ? Am I wrong to want more.... expect more?

I'm still pissed off and its the day after *sigh*

115199173955166973

2006-07-03T14:55:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th of July!

I have always subscribed to the theory that my birthday really isn't over until I've seen fireworks!
I know what you're thinking ...smart work on my part eh? That way you get a whole week of presents that end with a big bang ! Woohooo!!

I remember our first July 4th after Dick moved here from England. He wasn't truly prepared for the way we Americans can get behind a holiday! Let's face it, we are pretty in to our holidays.
We gathered up the kiddies and stopped by my Mothers to wish her a happy 4th, trying all the while to convince her to come to the park with us and watch the fireworks. She wasn't having any of it.
Mom isn't exactly the cookie-baking-grandkid-babysitting kind of Grandma ... I learned to accept it long ago.

We're sitting around the pool and Dick says to my Mom "It's wonderful to see a country go all out in celebration of a National Holiday. We don't do this kind of thing in England."

Completely without a second thought my Mother pipes up .."So Richard...how do you British celebrate the 4th of July over in England then?"

Tranquil Sundays… NOT!

2006-07-02T02:40:00.000-07:00

Waking up this morning ....still foggy and not quite sure what was going on. I peeked out from under my pillow and noticed 2 things right away....

This staring at me while he was trying to lift my eyelids for me.......

and this is what the clock said.......I wanted to scream and cry and throw things. I wanted to go back to sleep. Badly. Rolling over and ignoring Baby Terror, I come face to face with the person responsible for my predicament, sleeping peacefully, oblivious to the fact BT is on the loose from his crib, AGAIN! What is it about men and their ability to sleep through a fucking earthquake AND a 2 year old dismantling the bedroom furniture? Grumbling incoherently, I bury my head under the pillow and try to do an immitation of Dick.

It becomes painfully obvious this tack is not going to work. BT climbs up on the bed and does his version of WWF and bodyslams himself on top of me, all the while talking in his cute little language only he understands.
"Blaheorierrhihgh mamma kfjghoiruta dadda" *BOUNCE* "towst, nanna, get cars" *BOUNCE* "lalalala mamaMAMA!" *JUMP JUMP BODYSLAM*
At this point I have figured out that no one is going to save me and I'm going to have to get up.

Just then Dick screams "Bloody Hell!" and jumps out of bed. Apparently BT pinched him on the ass.... hard!
What a cute little darling child he is. *evil laugh* Maybe I should get around to cutting his fingernails soon.

As Dick heads downstairs to make coffee, I laid back on the bed dreaming of climbing back under the covers and staying there all day. I know this would be looked upon as a crime against our marriage but it is ohhhh so tempting. I drag myself in to the shower, closing the door against the sounds of BT screaming and Dick persuading him to change his diaper.

Wandering down the stairs and drying my hair, I see BT playing with his cars and eating toast while he watches Thomas the Train for the 345th time, and for just an instant I think ...Is it possible we can have coffee without a temper tantrum? .... Is it possible we can have one of those 'good days'? No. We aren't that lucky.

After 5 hours of hitting, throwing cars, whining, screaming, jumping, time outs, Thomas viewing, breakfast eating and wearing ... we are exhausted. Dick makes more coffee. I sit down and surf blogs...it is almost nap time. BT wanders in to the room and climbs up next to me ... looking deceivingly calm and sweet. I know better. He smiles as he reaches for my stack of paperwork on the desk. I'm too tired to fight him. He grabs the birthday cards that had come in the mail. I decide it's not worth the fight.
He picks up the card from my cousin, titled 'Be Bad on your Birthday'....as he opens it up, the music starts, daaaa daaa daaa da dumm, daaa daaa daaa da, dumm, Bad to the Boneeeee, screams George Thorogood. The previously fearless stunt baby, BT, screams and drops the card, grabs his sippy cup and runs for his blanket asking to go night-night.
Ohhhh revenge is so sweet!

this day in history …

2006-06-28T00:47:00.000-07:00

June 28th

1491- King Henry VIII was born

1776- Colonists repulse a British sea attack on Charleston, South Carolina

1836- The fourth President of the United States James Madison dies at his home in Virginia

1884- Congress declares Labor Day a legal holiday

1919- Germany signs the Treaty of Versailles under protest

1949- The last U.S. combat troops are called home from Korea, leaving only 500 advisers.

1960- Humaitarian and bleeding heart, mother and controversial blogger Kim Friday was born near an iceberg in a remote part of Alaska :)

1964- Malcolm X founds the Organization for Afro-American Unity to seek independence for blacks in the Western Hemisphere

1972- Nixon announces that no new draftees will be sent to Vietnam

1976- The first women enter the U.S. Air Force Academy

1996- The Citadel, the Military College of South Carolina, voted to admit women

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me... Happy Birthday dear Kimmyyyyyyyyyyyy

I need time…

2006-06-25T01:11:00.000-07:00

I need more time in a day! Usually I have about 17 minutes free per day. And no... not all at the same time either. I know that doesn't sound like a lot but believe me I make the most of it! I get to read up on all of you and your interesting lives and thoughts, and being a woman I can multi-task!
So friday, when we got an email at work from the corporate office informing us of our "Excessive Internet Usage" I literally wanted to kill someone! What a fucking joke! What underworked bastard decided that shit? Oh wait I know... someone who doesn't have a clue what kind of pressure we're under or what kind of stress is involved in our daily work environment..thats who. Somone who's only purpose in life is to monitor other people and keep an eye on the all important bottom line, the money making machine.

In my office I have to deal with the customer service reps, customers, various members of management, 40 drivers, a ton of daily paperwork and requests, not to mention the reports, projects and misc assignments that have suddenly become top priority overnight. I have worked hard to develop the department that I'm currently running. I have worked overtime, sacrificed my sanity, been attacked by jealous co-workers and in general devoted a lot of time I could have spent doing other more pleasurable things like blogging or sleeping. All of this was done to help improve THEIR company. I don't own stock, there is no profit sharing not even a monetary bonus. I wanted to help communication between departments and employee relations and even morale. I wanted to develp a department that we could all be proud of, an efficient cog in the big wheel. Now don't get me wrong... I love my General Manager and would happily walk thru the depths of hell for him (somedays it feels like I am) and this is not a complaint about him. He's a fantastic family man who believes that we are all adults and are doing the best we can in a difficult situation. He doesn't have unrealistic expectations and tries hard to make our office a place we can all enjoy. His hands are tied too unfortunately.
I heart him.

I admit I have looked at a few blogs, I have written a few personal emails and I may have even gotten messages from my kids or husband. After all I spend at least 10 hours at work most days. Do I waste my time doing these things? No! I might take a break after an annoying conversation to de-stress by reading Kevin or Nikki. I might leave a comment or two for Christina after I've spent my lunch at my desk doing paperwork. I might even surf on over to Admiral Poopers while im filing and stapling. But I get as much done as I possibly can in a day and it pisses me off that some corporate asshole that has never even done our job ONE damn day can make a judgement call like that! Are we all little kids who need to be constantly supervised? Are you just trying to justify your worthless position in a company that won't reward you unless you are kissing their ass? I have quite a few suggestions as to what you can do with your Excessive Internet Usage... Mr Corporate Asshole, my favorite involves your tiny penis and my big paper shredder!

On a lighter note .... Dick has been working hard with our design team ( me and dick, dick n me *snickers* I just love saying that ) to update the Post Me A Secret site ! We think it looks fantastic, if we do say so ourselves... Please click on the link and take a look and let me know what you think! I know I can trust all of you to be honest and upfront with your criticisims!

crisis over ?

2006-06-19T23:57:00.000-07:00

Ok guys, I did it!

I was such a chicken and Rex (my wonderful tattoo artist friend) was very patient :) I couldn't seem to make up my mind what I wanted and where. I decided on the dragonfly because I think they are really neat little creatures ...and damnit I like them!
I think the hardest part is the noise? Other than that it's just a little twinge and prick every once in awhile teehee
The red parts will be purple eventually and I just absolutely love it !! The girls think I will be a tattoo junkie now and will be planning my next tattoo in the very near future. I don't think so ....

If any of you are dying for your own little piece of rebellion you can contact Rex at besterink@yahoo.com

Am I Crazy ?

2006-06-15T03:22:00.000-07:00

I was admiring ~d and her cute little tattoo around her cute little belly button, and I was thinking.... I REALLY did want a tatto back when I was in my twentys. ( thank GOD I didnt cave in and have one around my belly button because now it would be half way to my knees)
I thought they were daring, cute and sexy! Quite possibly I thought it was something that would drive my father over the edge. That certainly added to the attraction. Was it more of a rebellious thing? I always found an excuse not to follow through with it, whether it was the cost or I just plain chickened out. Was it something every teenager or twenty-something thought about doing?
Here I am in my 40's and I'm still thinking, I should have tinkerbell on my ankle? WTF? Am I having some kind of mid-life-fucking-crisis? Am I trying to relive my youth? What happened to that reasonable woman that tsk'd tsk'd her 25 year old son for having his 12th tattoo? Have I lost it? What kind of an example does it show my 12 year old daughter? .... that her mother is a wannabe biker chick having an identity crisis?
Should I or shouldn't I ?
I have to run ... I think I hear my father turning over in his grave....

take a stand!

2006-06-13T04:27:00.000-07:00

Ok everyone I'm back on my soapbox ... But I think this is very very important to all of us. We lose more and more freedoms every day and most of us dont even realise it! Please, take a minute to read this and decide what to do for yourself. Don't let this happen and then bitch about it later!! Here's the deal .... The telephone and cable companies have hired high priced lobbyists to get this bill passed so that they can control the internet and how it is used. They did manage to get it past the House, but we need to stop it from getting thru the Senate.

June 8th the US House passed the Communications Opportunity, Promotion and Enhancement Act otherwise refered to as (COPE) . It is now going on to the Senate for approval.
This issue is not about whether or not the government will regulate the Internet. It's about whether consumers or cable and phone companies will decide what services and content are available on the Net."

Listed below are ways that this affects the average user like you and me.

1. Google usersÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬ÂAnother search engine could pay dominant Internet providers like AT&T to guarantee the competing search engine opens faster than Google on your computer.

2. Innovators with the "next big idea"ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬ÂStartups and entrepreneurs will be muscled out of the marketplace by big corporations that pay Internet providers for dominant placing on the Web. The little guy will be left in the "slow lane" with inferior Internet service, unable to compete.

3. Ipod listenersÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬ÂA company like Comcast could slow access to iTunes, steering you to a higher-priced music service that it owned.

4. BloggersÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬ÂCosts will skyrocket to post and share video and audio clipsÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âsilencing citizen journalists and putting more power in the hands of a few corporate-owned media outlets.

The nation's largest telephone and cable companies ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Â including AT&T, Verizon, Comcast and Time Warner ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Â want to be Internet gatekeepers, deciding which Web sites go fast or slow and which won't load at all.
They want to tax content providers to guarantee speedy delivery of their data. They want to discriminate in favor of their own search engines, Internet phone services, and streaming video ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Â while slowing down or blocking their competitors.

Please go to SaveTheInternet.com and read the FAQ page for more details.

If we don't stop them, the internet will change forever.

Congress needs to hear from you today or they will hand over control of what you do online to companies like AT&T, Verizon and Comcast. Call your Congress person today!!!

2 Reasons I Can’t Update

2006-06-10T02:11:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd introduce you all to Baby Terror !

As cute and adorable as he is, he strikes fear in to the hearts of the best babysitters in the hood!
He can not be kept down, contained, disciplined, shamed, reasoned with or threatened. He gives new meaning to the term 'Curtain Climber' and 'RugRat'. Spanking him is an excercise in futility. He is willful, disobedient, and messy. He pushes the limits of patience every day. He doesn't so much as acknowledge the boundries set for him, he refuses to hear the word NO unless it's him that is using it.

God how we love him!

He has every member of the household wrapped around his tiny little dirty fingers. He can go from throwing food at you one minute to apologizing with a kiss the next. He knows what he wants and thinks that we were assigned to grant him his every want, wish and desire. Some day we will all look back on this and laugh .... I hope.

The second reason I haven't posted is Im PISSED OFF AT BLOGGER AND GOOGLE !!!!
What the hell Is going on? You have a multi million dollar company and you can't get your freaking servers to stay up for more than 20 seconds at a time 3 days in a row ??? WTF ???
For this reason I have to say, Im glad I've been learning Wordpress and Widgets and all the stuff that goes with moving my blog over to the scary worldwideweb that Al Gore invented. hehe
It makes me sad though because I loved my little corner of blogger and I don't think I would have ever met the wonderful people I have come to know and call my friends, my bloggin crew, my homies... if it wasn't for blogger and google. *sigh*

10 Reasons I HATE My New Neighbor

2006-06-02T12:07:00.000-07:00

1. She's 22 and doesn't have kids. Ok Ok I know that makes me sound petty and jealous. But shes really young and cute and blonde and she DOESNT have kids!

2. She has a dog that barks constantly. If you're going to get a dog, stay home and pay attention to it! You are usually gone from morning til late at night and he's lonelyyyyy! See the way he jumps up and down and barks and runs back and forth? Thats what he's been doing every 15 minutes since you left!

3. Her partying friends park in my spot. I know it doensn't have my name written on the curb, BUT, It's in front of my door! Park in front of her house! We have one car and you have six... learn to SHARE!

4. The partying friends. They can't even say hi to baby terror! He loves new people and gets a great thrill out of saying the few words he says.. would it kill you to acknowledge him ? You might even learn a new word or two!

5. Her parents. They show up every saturday and do the gardening. If it isn't at 7:30 AM i'ts about the time I put pumpkin butt down for a nap! Our bedroom window over looks your yard, sometimes we would like to have fresh air and sleep in that room at the same time!

6. Her strange habits. Things like trimming your grass at 3am with scissors. I mentioned our window over looks her yard, I woke one night to a strange sound and couldn't quite figure out what it was. Peering out the window in to the dark, I see her crouched down trimming the border of her lawn with scissors! This isn't normal even in California!! What kind of drugs is she on? Obviously I am going to the wrong doctor!

7. She's 22 and doesn't have kids! Ohhh, I mentioned that already? Sorry..obviously I'm dwelling.

8. She filled my garbage can. We share an alley where the cans are kept. There is a good reason I pay for the huge 90gal can. Don't throw your old collection of Cosmo and Elle magazines in my trash! You are one person, (with a 30 gal can) in case you haven't noticed there are at least 8 people living here! Believe me, we need all the trash space for dirty diapers and broken toys and crap.

9. Her air conditioning unit. Belive me I dont begrudge anyone an air conditioned house. I couldn't live without mine. How in the world can you ignore the fact that yours sounds like a jet engine with something stuck in it? We can hear it in the front of the house over the bickering kids and cartoons on full blast. Please call a repair man before summer is over and we are all deaf from yelling at each other to be heard over that racket!

10. Her music. I would tell you what it is, but I still can't figure it out? I've raised kids that loved gangsta rap, emo rock, hip hop, and heavy metal. I've heard country, blue grass, 80's rock, jazz, folk music even polka's and I have never heard the out of tune crap that she plays and seems to enjoy because its on REPEAT!

I know things could be worse, and Im actually tempting fate by even typing this list. Tomorrow the house could sell to a pimp who sells drugs and paints the house purple to match his pimpmobile. I'm taking a huge risk here .....

the secret me …

2006-05-30T15:42:00.000-07:00

For a long time I've been trying to figure out just the right way to start a blog that is near and dear to my heart. A blog for all the secret keepers and the people bursting with secrets they just can't keep inside another moment

So if you have a minute...
If you're dying to share a secret...
Just want to share someone else's....
You just want to peek....

Please come by. Leave me a comment, let me know your thoughts and or ideas.

Post Me A Secret

click the link above